No relationship is driven by one single emotion. Every single bond we share with another person is tainted with dozens and sometimes even hundreds of emotions that make and break the relationship. The fact of the matter is, it's not enough to just say I love you.
This is for one person in particular. I wonder how long it will take him to notice and read this.
Believe it or not I am not driven by anger, but by grief.I am mourning the life that could have, should have been. The life you had promised me but not just me, my family too. We could have been happy. In fact I thought we were happy. But some how we were not good enough for you.You were not content with the happiness you had. And why is that? What made it okay for you to leave us? What made it okay to turn back on your family and tell them that they aren't good enough. And then to make it worse you found another family, and you decided to play arts and crafts and take pieces of both to make your "perfect" family. The New Family. How did that work out for you? When you picked them and your new life over us. How well did that turn out? Do you even care that I cried myself to sleep at night because of you? Do you know how many nights? Do you realize that after ten years I am still waiting for you to be the man you promised to be? I am still waiting for you to step up and love me. I'm waiting for you to put me and my sisters first for once and by sisters I mean the three of us.
While you were off being happy. I was building relationships with people I can actually count on. And you know lately a lot of people have made excuses for you. They would apologized and cry for you. They would tell me to accept you for who you are. Like you accept me? You wouldn't even stay for me. Why should I just accept you? And why is it that other people care more than you do?
They are correct about one thing though. I do need to let go of you. I have wasted way too much on you. And I can't think of one time when you did something for me because I asked you too. When ever you gave something to me it was simply material. There was little effort made and it was more for appearances and the benefit of others. I am so broken and hurt and a part of that is my fault but I tried. I played nice I made the effort and still it wasn't enough for you. It was still my fault that we were so screwed up!What kind of father tells his daughter that it's her fault? Those were the actual words and you will deny it to this day but it doesn't change what happened or what was said. And I am here to tell you that I am done.
I have a father in my life and he is not you. I have learned more about family, life, God, relationships and love; than I ever did from you. All I learned from you was just how screwed up this world could be. All I ever wanted was a family. That's all I want even now. So that's what I'll do. For the record family is not blood, family are the people who do anything for you and they think about you over themselves. I have a family, and you are a part of it only by a technicality.
Okay so maybe there is still some anger towards you, and resentment. How could there not be? It's not my fault you left or my sisters or even my mother. Like you said no one can make you do anything. You decide how you feel about everything you do. You decided to leave us. No one made you do that. Stop making excuses and sugarcoating it because I see through the veil. I see how it is. I know. I just don't want to accept it.
Because when I think of my Daddy, I think of the man that came home every night and kissed me on the forehead. I think of the man that wanted to teach me all about bikes. I think of the man that held my hand when I was scared and held me when I cried. I think of the compassionate man who taught me about right and wrong. A man who put family above all else. At one time you were that man. I don't know what happened to him.Maybe he never existed, maybe he was lost to the "real" / "new" / "better" you. And if so I lost the real father I knew. Since then I found a father to love me. I have someone now who I want to give me away at the alter, there's a man in my life who's opinion I actually value. He earned my respect and trust. And even though we don't see eye to eye on everything he loves me and my "new" family. The family we built together out of shambles without you.
I am tired of fighting the losing battle and I am tired of drawing the short end of the stick so I'm done I just thought I would let you know and this the only way I feel like I can get to you. That is if you pay enough attention to notice. I love you. We have some good moments but they are all tainted with the beast between us. Maybe it's hate, if so I am trying to let it go. But you're really not helping because I really am trying. I really am trying to be the daughter I should be even if you're not being the father you ought to be. If God is the model you are failing miserably at least God is sincere.
I do love you but I am so done with crying over you. And I'm finished waiting for you to surprise me and expecting the best from you. Apparently my standards are just too high.
BUT. I do love you. I am glad of the few things you've done for me, and for the love you've showed me however sparse it's been. Reality has hit me in the face and I see now how it truly is. No matter what you say you're actions have said so much more. And that is fine if only you didn't try to contradict your actions with false words. It hurts so. That you think I would be appeased by such lies. How could you think me so simple? A pawn in a life meant for you. As if your feelings are the only one that matters. So here are my feelings the good and the bad. My surrender to a greater life. One that you are not a part of. A life that is filled with people that actually care about me, and they show me each and every day. The relationships may not be perfect but they are greater, better even than the one you and I share.
Don't get me wrong I really do love you. I want the relationship we once had, but I now see that as impossible. There are things we share, as well as good and bad times, but those grand times do not make up for all those bad times. I miss you, the man I knew and admired.
So how long will it take? For you to not only read this? But to understand it as well? Can you tell me? Once you read it promise me you won't say anything about it. Just take it to heart listen to what I've said, I'll know that you've read it when you start acting like you care. When you change. I'm done changing for you. Stop expecting me to make your life easier for you while making it harder on me. This may be unfair, but life is unfair.
You complain that we never talk, but did it ever occur to you to wonder why I never want to talk? You say I want nothing to do with you and maybe that's true. But if you care like you say you do why do you cut me out of your "new" family? When did that become okay? Why don't you notice or care? Why do you ignore me? Is it because I'm not the puppet you wanted? Is it because I don't worship the ground you walk on? Is it because I have no respect for you other than the most basic sense of the word. I respect you as a human being but not as a leader, role model, or authority figure. With everything between us can you truly blame me for that? Am I wrong to want to make myself happy?
Believe it or not I am not driven by anger, but by grief.I am mourning the life that could have, should have been. The life you had promised me but not just me, my family too. We could have been happy. In fact I thought we were happy. But some how we were not good enough for you.You were not content with the happiness you had. And why is that? What made it okay for you to leave us? What made it okay to turn back on your family and tell them that they aren't good enough. And then to make it worse you found another family, and you decided to play arts and crafts and take pieces of both to make your "perfect" family. The New Family. How did that work out for you? When you picked them and your new life over us. How well did that turn out? Do you even care that I cried myself to sleep at night because of you? Do you know how many nights? Do you realize that after ten years I am still waiting for you to be the man you promised to be? I am still waiting for you to step up and love me. I'm waiting for you to put me and my sisters first for once and by sisters I mean the three of us.
While you were off being happy. I was building relationships with people I can actually count on. And you know lately a lot of people have made excuses for you. They would apologized and cry for you. They would tell me to accept you for who you are. Like you accept me? You wouldn't even stay for me. Why should I just accept you? And why is it that other people care more than you do?
They are correct about one thing though. I do need to let go of you. I have wasted way too much on you. And I can't think of one time when you did something for me because I asked you too. When ever you gave something to me it was simply material. There was little effort made and it was more for appearances and the benefit of others. I am so broken and hurt and a part of that is my fault but I tried. I played nice I made the effort and still it wasn't enough for you. It was still my fault that we were so screwed up!What kind of father tells his daughter that it's her fault? Those were the actual words and you will deny it to this day but it doesn't change what happened or what was said. And I am here to tell you that I am done.
I have a father in my life and he is not you. I have learned more about family, life, God, relationships and love; than I ever did from you. All I learned from you was just how screwed up this world could be. All I ever wanted was a family. That's all I want even now. So that's what I'll do. For the record family is not blood, family are the people who do anything for you and they think about you over themselves. I have a family, and you are a part of it only by a technicality.
Okay so maybe there is still some anger towards you, and resentment. How could there not be? It's not my fault you left or my sisters or even my mother. Like you said no one can make you do anything. You decide how you feel about everything you do. You decided to leave us. No one made you do that. Stop making excuses and sugarcoating it because I see through the veil. I see how it is. I know. I just don't want to accept it.
Because when I think of my Daddy, I think of the man that came home every night and kissed me on the forehead. I think of the man that wanted to teach me all about bikes. I think of the man that held my hand when I was scared and held me when I cried. I think of the compassionate man who taught me about right and wrong. A man who put family above all else. At one time you were that man. I don't know what happened to him.Maybe he never existed, maybe he was lost to the "real" / "new" / "better" you. And if so I lost the real father I knew. Since then I found a father to love me. I have someone now who I want to give me away at the alter, there's a man in my life who's opinion I actually value. He earned my respect and trust. And even though we don't see eye to eye on everything he loves me and my "new" family. The family we built together out of shambles without you.
I am tired of fighting the losing battle and I am tired of drawing the short end of the stick so I'm done I just thought I would let you know and this the only way I feel like I can get to you. That is if you pay enough attention to notice. I love you. We have some good moments but they are all tainted with the beast between us. Maybe it's hate, if so I am trying to let it go. But you're really not helping because I really am trying. I really am trying to be the daughter I should be even if you're not being the father you ought to be. If God is the model you are failing miserably at least God is sincere.
I do love you but I am so done with crying over you. And I'm finished waiting for you to surprise me and expecting the best from you. Apparently my standards are just too high.
BUT. I do love you. I am glad of the few things you've done for me, and for the love you've showed me however sparse it's been. Reality has hit me in the face and I see now how it truly is. No matter what you say you're actions have said so much more. And that is fine if only you didn't try to contradict your actions with false words. It hurts so. That you think I would be appeased by such lies. How could you think me so simple? A pawn in a life meant for you. As if your feelings are the only one that matters. So here are my feelings the good and the bad. My surrender to a greater life. One that you are not a part of. A life that is filled with people that actually care about me, and they show me each and every day. The relationships may not be perfect but they are greater, better even than the one you and I share.
Don't get me wrong I really do love you. I want the relationship we once had, but I now see that as impossible. There are things we share, as well as good and bad times, but those grand times do not make up for all those bad times. I miss you, the man I knew and admired.
So how long will it take? For you to not only read this? But to understand it as well? Can you tell me? Once you read it promise me you won't say anything about it. Just take it to heart listen to what I've said, I'll know that you've read it when you start acting like you care. When you change. I'm done changing for you. Stop expecting me to make your life easier for you while making it harder on me. This may be unfair, but life is unfair.
You complain that we never talk, but did it ever occur to you to wonder why I never want to talk? You say I want nothing to do with you and maybe that's true. But if you care like you say you do why do you cut me out of your "new" family? When did that become okay? Why don't you notice or care? Why do you ignore me? Is it because I'm not the puppet you wanted? Is it because I don't worship the ground you walk on? Is it because I have no respect for you other than the most basic sense of the word. I respect you as a human being but not as a leader, role model, or authority figure. With everything between us can you truly blame me for that? Am I wrong to want to make myself happy?
