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I believe that every smile is worth all of the dozens of tears shed.

I believe one apology is enough. 

I refuse to beg.

The fire in my eyes is the pain in my soul.

And it was all worth it.

If you felt love my object is complete.

All I ever wanted was to love you.

But if it is done?

Let it be.

Let our love rest it's head.

I will not beat it until its dead.

I have no regrets.

Not a single one.

I do wish though that you had been my one.

I'm still working on rewriting certain pieces I feel have potential to be better. I'll post them later when I've finished.

I'm taking a creative writing class. I want to develop my writing. I get on this blog and I read what I have written and I want to go through and rewrite it all! There is so much room for improvement! And I was proud of what I had written? I am slightly embarrassed.

It was in that moment that I realised our time had passed. The window of opportunity for us was gone. As simple as that. I don't know when it had passed. Or even why it took us so long to realise it. I fear that I knew long before he did. But there we are silently accepting that there is no longer a "we". That "we" can exist no more. We can never exist as we once had done. That state of happiness is extinct. That thought is crippling. The fact that we can never again return to those moments. They will live on in our memory. And yet the time for mourning has passed, we too missed that. Does he understand as I do? Does he see the buried thoughts and memories of the past and accept them? Or is he still trying to resurrect them? Because he and I both know, it was the best time of his life so far. And at one time it was mine as well. But since then I have come into my own. I have learned to make myself happy, and made an endevour to make this moment count. I never want to feel regret again or feel the loss of something that never was.  I want to take every opportunity possible. I still miss him though. Even if he was the anchor that held me back. I let him go and my troubles soon followed. He was the key inadvertently and that too is sad

Happy New Year!

Welcome to the New Year! From me to you. I hope this year is full of wonderful things for you and I hope you find whatever it is that you're still looking for (:

I honestly don't know why I keep this blog. I hate when people read it and yet at the same time I like the feedback I get.

Her apartment was in complete disarray but for once her mind was quiet. There were no annoying thoughts that refused to go away, no compulsions, and the stress just seemed to melt away. She was the same person who she had been before. Nothing had truly changed about her, but that is easy to forget. She didn't mind being painted the bad guy. She didn't mind sacrificing, often. But sometimes a girl needs a break. For once she would like someone to try and be the better person.

Shame on you. Don't be selfish. You wouldn't be any different from them. - I'm not any better. - You're right, you like them can be the scum of the earth. The difference is you would rather see the good. You've seen enough evil to fill a few lifetimes, and life for you has only just begun.

Her mind debated back and forth, the scale of this world. Are we good or are we evil? Is it decided with every little move we make? Or is it defined with single actions?

Is it better to forget the one girl who listened to you pour your heart out to? She did you wrong. Of that there is no contest, but is that wrong the entirety of her being, of her soul? Is she so evil? Is it honestly easier to imagine that she had never existed at all rather than she just moved on?

Is it not possible that the cords that touched your souls are not eternally entwined? That you were not meant to take the world on together. That you were never more than a rising step for each other. And you would have never made it with out each other? Are you filled with so much anger that you can't just fondly remember lazy afternoons. Afternoons where you were her world?
Are you to be defined by that anger? I should hope not.

You should know. She sits there smiling at the love you shared and every night before slumber consumes her mind she thinks of you. And she is grateful. She is a better more complete person because she knew you. You offered a light in a world of darkness and made her inspect her own souls reflection. And her love for you never died. She thinks of your anger, and she is filled with regret. How could she have done better? You are a complex mind, yet your final words were filled anger. You fell into the abyss you had once attempted to escape. Eventually you will fade from reality. You will be more than a memory, and less than a thought. The thought of you will have fused with her being. But you won't haunt her anymore. She's no longer afraid. She is everything you loved, and she is her flaws a unique combination, that in time you too will forget. Because it turns out you were never meant to be. Or it would have ended differently. It all works out in the end and everything happens as it ought whether it be right or wrong.
But her? Her mind is finally quiet. She is as she was before only different. She is at peace. She is happy in her own way. Finally feeling complete with out assistance of another. She smiles at the thought of you, and she thinks of you often. You chose to disappear but you will never truly be gone. Not really. She knows her wrongs, but she needed to grow. She wasn't done. She is still learning herself.

"You can say a lot of things about me, most of them bad. But you can never fucking say that I left or that I gave up." She screamed, her voice filling the air. Her pain dripping from her soul. No one heard her and no one cared. "I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to survive. So where the fucking hell was my goodbye? At least I fucking told you. I knew better. I knew that you would be gone as soon as I let you go, I knew. It's just I wanted more than anything to believe that maybe just maybe what we had was real. But first love has a way of fading and meaning slightly less than nothing. I just wanted to be something with you! You were my best friend! Doesn't that matter to you? Even now when you openly reject, you are still one of the five people that matter. Don't you get that? It was real to me! You are in dreams. The taste of your skin, your scent, the heat of your kiss, and the look in your eyes when we laughed over stupid shit." She sat there a while longer."This is my goodbye." She whispered. "You can't hear it, and you don't want to. And that, that hurts the most because that means it was never real and you played me for the fool."

She was still there, all around him. Her makeup was on his pillow. The scent of her still clung to his sheets and to his skin. Her voice was stuck in his head. Her soul was attached to his. In that last soft kiss he could taste the desperation he could taste the grief. He didn't want to let her go. When he opened his eyes he found her staring back at him and he saw the future he knew he could have. He joked as he walked away, hoping this wasn't the end. Some things are just too good to let go even if there's no way they could have worked.

"Because of you, I learned to be strong. I learned that a man does not make me.  You taught me that I don't need any one but myself. I watched you be strong for me everyday. I watched you carry on when your world fell apart.

She savored the taste of her love. The slow tears burned her face as they fell. Her heart seemed to swell in her chest, growing more and more dense, crushing her soul with it's weight. Or rather only half a soul. She kissed her love's last breath away. Each half of their shared soul clung desperately to the other before hell's angels tore it apart.
We stood outside the door. We watched as she clung to her wife. The sound of her anguish filled my heart, that sound died long after the light left their eyes. One light extinguished to leave this world, the other when her world left. They laid there entangled in each other. I have never been more jealous in all my life then in that moment. No one would ever kiss the drying tears off my cheek, as they fell. Who would cry out for me or sob my name? She seemed so lost without her love. Broken, when she looked up at us the face hollow.
We had watched these two woman from the start. How together they stood and fought the cancer. How they had smiled, joked and loved their way through hell. We saw the tears, anger and resentment that sometimes clouded their days and their minds but only for awhile before the love would burn it all away.
They would look into each other's eyes and my heart would cry out in pain. I never realized I was alone until I met them, but I would never be as alone as the woman in front of me. She had none love's gentle warm touch. She had laid next to it every night since she said I do. And she would never feel it's sweet breath again. But she would remember. I can only hope that it would be enough. Will a memory ever be enough?

It's the men and hard times in my life that made me strong. But you. You are the reason I don't have to be.Thank you. I love you.

She stood in the middle of the lawn, not caring who looked on. She didn't try to catch her bag before it slipped off her shoulder and hit the ground with a resounding thud. All she could do was close her eyes and think. It was all she could do. Enjoy the warm southern air on her skin as it played along the blades of green spring grass and thistles. The smell of what ever flowers were just beyond the bend. And the warm sunlight washing away all her worries. She could hardly stand it. Only a moment of bliss, the grass was cool against her skin. With her hands to her eyes, she hid her tears from the world. And she just let everything go. She didn't say a word. There was nothing to say. Nothing would make it better, nothing would make it right. Nothing except accepting what was to come.
All around her people went on living their lives. Some would stop and wonder what was wrong. But no one dare approach her. No one dare touch her. Surrounded by humanity, yet she was alone. There was no solace there. Hearts were open, but not a single ear. She sobbed to herself.
For hours it seemed. And then she just sat there and let go of her dreams.

What's Real in this Fantasy?

In the way we are
We are free
From you
From me
There is no where
I'd rather be
Then to be surrounded
By the air you breathe
When my eyes close
You'll be there
When they're open
You'll be all I see
The taste of your skin
Is enough for me
There is just us
And it's enough
To simply be
You and me
Apart from what
The world sees
We are free
From all of its fantasies