Condemned By Herself

Sitting by myself. Not unusual. Yet not common. That one person, always there, yet never around.If you looked at me, you would see some one, a girl sitting by herself. My brown hair brushing across my shoulders. My deep red sweater some what to big. Around my too thin frame, I try to eat, I really do but to no avail my stomach heaves at any kind of food. Here I sit, hunched over my computer, book, or my beautiful piano. If the piano, I sit on the mahogany bench at my grand piano, if my computer or book on my hardwood floor. Nothing but the piano, the mattress, the computer, and a stack of books were in my room. The closet sits there with almost nothing inside, jeans, my blue sweatshirt, my red sweater and my white t-shirts, and my white cami. All that was in my room save the one thing that matters, the phone.  My single lifeline to sanity. WIth his voice not that far away. He visits when he can but he can not risk being exposed to being sick. His health cannot be affected. I love him but my he will not see my last breath.

Annabel Lee First&Second Stanza

Dear Readers, One of my favourite American authors is none other than Edgar Allan Poe. Though his stories are a shade darker than most of the ones that I attempt I do love his way with words. I am not alone in my admiration, I share it with one of my dear friends, Jake. I even let him borrow my full collection of Poe's work (he wrote in my book). Obviously he is now banned from borrowing any of my books ever again. But Annabel Lee is one of my personal favourites and as we discussed here is a story dedicated to him. Jake here is the story I promised you. We discussed a modern day Poe Poem, or rather a short based on his poem. I hope you enjoy it! Sincerely Your Author.

It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. - Edgar Allan Poe, Annabel Lee

She walked along the wall of the Castillo de San Marcos and looked out over the river. The tourists and locals filled the otherwise silent air. As the constant humidity coated her skin. The overly warm air felt fantastic. She skipped across the coquina, with her shoes in hand. She loved the feeling of the rough rock against her feet. Most people could barely stand the stone made of small shells. You aren't supposed to walk across the wall, but every one does. Couples sit on the wall, parents try and keep their kids off of it, and annoying middle school kids bothered everyone there.
"Hey Leigh!" she looked back at him and smiled. It was her teasingly playful smile. It always promised just enough and still left you hoping for more. Her eyes were alight with mischief and a passion he had never seen anywhere else. She ran and jumped off the wall, hair flying, smiling, even as he caught her. "God! Why do you that to me?"
"Silly, I know you'd never let me fall." She said as he put her on her feet. She hugged him before running off to Lord knew where, laughing as she went. A thing she'd been doing since she was little, and he knew it meant she was upset. She would sit there and pretend everything is alright, but as soon as she got the chance she would come here or go to the beach. She would laugh and hide any tears even from him.
"Get back here," he called, before running after her. It wasn't long before he caught her, making them tumble to the ground laughing. They sat there for a bit perfectly content as he held her. "Whats wrong Leigh?" She turned away from him and just sat there in silence. But her silence said it all, she wasn't ready to tell him. He knew if he bid his time he would eventually tell him and they would get through it just as they always did. "Come on. I'll take you to the beach." She beamed up at him, and her eyes were filled with a love that matched his own. He was the single most important part of her life just as she was in his. He helped her up and they walked passed her motorcycle to his truck. Once they got to the beach they laughed and played in the sun and he watched her forgot her troubles for a few hours. Over the years she had come to depend on him and he had never let her down. She knew without a doubt that he was the only man she could ever truly trust. No matter what, he would always be there and that thought alone got her through her darkest moments.

I was a child and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea; But we loved with a love that was more than love- I and my Annabel Lee;With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven Coveted her and me

His soul consumed her as they kissed, as his hand traced her bare skin, and her fingers laced through his blonde curls. He could taste her smile and her sadness. When he opened his eyes for a brief moment he could have sworn he saw fear flash in her electric blue eyes. She laid there with him in the sand wrapped in his love and the light of the sun. They were not alone on the beach but no one seemed to notice the couple in sand. And for an afternoon there was no one else in the world. No words passed between them, they didn't need them. She could feel his heart beat against her own skin, and she could feel the words he longed to say. His hand that engulfed her own told her how he would stand by her. The arm around her protected her from the world, and for herself if she ever needed him to. Her head was tucked beneath his chin was adorning. They didn't need words, they never really had. She never had to hear the words “I love you”, they were there in every moment in every breathe, and the were never said.
He would wait for her to arrive at school, he would sit on the tailgate on his truck, reading, studying or whatever it was that he did. When the practice first started the many people who thought of him as a friend would join him. After many months they found that even though he smiled at them and joked, he was merely going through the motions, for he truly did not come alive until she would pull up in the spot next to his, on her black motorcycle. Eventually the crowd thinned over time until it was just him there waiting for her. Seraphina and Evangeline would sit at the schools entrance watching him. They would glare as he draped an arm over her shoulder as the couple would walk in together. The two girls would come up with ways to split up Bobby and Anna knowing it would never work. They saw that for him there was only her and how they hated that. They were beautiful in their own rights but to him they could not compare to his Leigh.
As soon as the couple stepped in school they would be surrounded by their friends, and they would walk to class and enjoy their free time before the bell rang. Bobby and Anna would be in the middle of the crowd and yet they were apart. As if they were in their own bubble. Bobby was one of the finer guys at their school, and Anna knew it. His bright green eyes, broad shoulders, washboard abs, and his 6'5 stature, made sure of that. But it wasn't just that, it was his character too that set him apart from the crowd. He never went out of his way looking for attention but as it is with all like able men people were drawn to him. It also didn't hurt that his best friend was a little firecracker. Anna was petite compared to any one let alone Bobby. Her skin tanned lightly and her jet black hair was nearly always braided, and even then it hung down past her waist. She definitely had an hourglass figure though it was slender and she stood at a petite 5'3. They were a strange pair, but they fit. Evangeline and Seraphina saw what the two had and how they hated Anna for it. They couldn't face their own jealousy, because a small part of them liked her. So they settled on convincing themselves that she didn't deserve him.

Fallen

Never would I have thought that I could sink this low. That I could bare to see myself come to this, not that I didn't enjoy every single solitary moment of it. Yet it still eats at my very soul it doesn't entirely destroy me, but it was very much below me. Even in this society, I could be considered a slut, a whore. Just like in olden days long past, the days we thought we had evolved from. We thought we had overcome but yet here we are with the same principles they had. Even in this twisted world codes and chivalry still apply. So here I am a fallen woman. By the terms of those who looked down their noses at people who do not fit in their society due to birth, rank, job, money etc. So here I am with a dirty secret in my heart yet a golden thought in my mind.. A smile on my lips, and a beautiful feeling from my toes to the top of my head, The feeling making me giddy. I giggle at nothing and am rewarded by looks from my peers the ones who love to develope fantasies to ruin my life with rumors, lies that eat up their souls. I could never be one of those girls who could care less what people sat about me. Yet neither does it eat me a live to know what they are saying. With him to smile at and to receive a smile in return is rewarding always. Then to feel his breath on my neck in between classes, and his hand on my hip as me walk to class, and the taste on his lips when we are alone. These are thoughts I cannot forget. We have been dating for years some how it feels perfect being there with him, my skin still crawls in delight when he touches me and he has been touching me for years. Holding my hand hugging me till I choke, catching me when I fall. All that and more. There is nothing that can happen to take me awa not even him. For he could never do it, and he never would, my voice is just as addicting to him as his to mine. I still whisper sweet nothings in his ear as he says them aloud for all to hear at lunch he mouths "I love you." and I return the saying meaning every syllible. So where does that leave me? The whore? or the lover?

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow--

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand--

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep--while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

The Refrain

Nothing is ever new

These words

You've all heard before

The message

All the same

As if our thoughts

Could truly be tamed

The refrain

You hear so often is

Hope

Love

Life

So often we refuse to take a chance

We refuse to jump

The unknown frightens us

Invites us

And entices us

So how could our words be anything

Other than the known?

How can we venture

When we never

Dream of what

There could be

But of what is

So often

We look at people and

We never say the things on our

Hearts

Minds

Souls

We let life pass us by

Most of us are trapped

Behind a life

We are condemned to lead

That we are expected to lead

We hate to disappoint

Especially ourselves

So let's jump

Together

Into Life

Every Thing to Lie For

I live a lie

With all my heart

My best friend

Never knew me

In the dark

Behind the veneer of deception

Inspiration bred

Of a desperate motivation

A love

That never was

That never will be

If only it could be

Things would be easy

We would be happy

If only you 

Would see

Me

For the lie

I live

For you

For us

Forever

A truth

You'd never dream of

Unseen

For an eternity

I hope

I wish

That you

Never see

The monster

You love

The one behind

The charade

That would break your heart

I love you

Anyway

Even if it means nothing

I 

Mean

Nothing

But

You 

Mean 

Everything

In Memory Of...

Our friendship would be hard to describe. You probably meant more to me than I did to you, but that's okay. I loved to you. Thank you for listening all those times when I called upset over something or someone. Thank you for making me smile and giving me advice and insight I could actually use. Thank you for being my friend. We shared stories, secrets and jokes. We put up with each other when we both did some crazy sh*t. I'm sad to say goodbye, you'll always be with me, at the back of my mind. I'll keep the memory alive. No one deserves to be forgotten especially some one like you. You were a joy to know. I loved our riveting discussions. One week ago you were taken from us, but you will never leave us. Scott Milton, you are still very dearly loved. Rest in Peace sweeite.

Morning Run

Her feet hit the pavement, and the wind brushed over her skin. The sun tried to blind her as she pushed on. Not ready to stop even as breathing became more and more difficult. Running towards something and running from herself. It was wrong, yet it was so right. Each step brought back a memory of a very different rythym. She smiled at herself and pushed on until the sweat dripped down her face, down her back. Her mind was at peace, the internal silence was so wonderful compared to its normal blather. She didn't know what it was but when it came to running she could just let all of her thoughts go and all there was was the next moment, the next step, the next breathe. She was never more in-tuned to herself than while she was running. She never questioned the emptiness she felt while she was running because it wasn't there. Her anger and grief could just fade away to where there was nothing but contentment and the need to carry on. Running was not her only pleasure it was just the only guilt free one. It's the simple things in life that keep us going and sometimes that's never more than a morning run.

In Owning Nothing!

My one and only attempt at a play! Written with the help of a very dear friend about for years ago.  Coming soon! On it's very own Page! (Links are to the Pages are in the bar that runs along under blog title). I still have a little tweaking to do! So keep an eye out for it! Sincerely Your Author

Happy Anniversary!

Well belated... It's been three years here on this blog. And yeah I know some years have had less updates than others but I'm trying. And yeah the fan base hasn't increased. But we're working on that right? For instance some one from Germany  found my blog! I hope they liked it and I hope they'll come back. I hope you do too! I may not be funny or goofy or incredibly deep. But I do have a very singular way of looking at the world. I'll share it with you if you would like to hear it. If you keep coming back. You never know I might just surprise you.

Surviving the Monsters

WARNING Mature Content (Violent Innuendos)

She never asked "Why me?". She looked him in the face, and refused to back down. As if he was just a child who done wrong. As if all it took was a few words. His arrogance turned to confusion and then again into anger. He saw no fear in her eyes. The rush he felt from the power of fear did not exist. Who was she to deny him that power?

"You won't shoot me." Her voice was calm and confident, her tone reminded him of his aunt when she spoke to a bad puppy, stern but gentle.

"Don't talk down to me!" He fumed closing his  eyes and clenching his free hand. He could feel his anger go through is body with each heart beat, and he felt the power in his rage.

"Then don't look down on me." And then the rage was gone.

"I should kill you right now." He wouldn't meet her gaze he stared at the gun in his hand instead of her. She waited, she didn't flinch or run.

"You can't. You won't" She knew to him it sounded confident but inside she was wondering why she was betting her life on it.

"Why the hell not?"

" You don't see fear in my eyes. You see pity. You won't look at me. You have my life in your hands but you don't have power over me. If it ended now the last thing I would know of this world is pain and pity. It will haunt you to see empty eyes and feel the pity I have for you. Who are you to be feared?"

"I am the one with the gun lady!"

"I am not afraid of death. Are you?" She saw him blink at the question and that was enough for her to know he did.

"Shut up."

"Death is not the scariest thing in this world. I die and all the scary things go away, I don't have to be here anymore." She couldn't help but double over when his fist met her stomach. The air was gone from her lungs, but she wasn't done yet.

"You haven't seen scary." She wasn't done yet no matter what he thought.

"You are not a monster. You may have done some terrible things, but you are still a man."

"You're stupid."

"You think so?"

"You won't shut the hell up!" She saw the next hit coming and the next. "You aren't afraid to die? I"ll make you beg for the bullet. You're going to want to die. And then you will."

He was brutal and merciless in his effort to hurt her. He reveled in her screams and held her down to witness his victory. He conquered her body but when he pulled her broken body up to look into her eyes he saw nothing. She gave no hint to how she felt no anger, fear, or even pity. There was only a fire that burned his soul. He had never felt regret until this moment. Even when she cried out she was strong. She looked away when she couldn't move but she didn't cry. She called out for help and screamed but no one came. He could barely see the green of her eyes they were swollen shut and her pretty lips were bleeding. Her nose was too. Her collar bone and wrist snapped easily and that wasn't even the half of it.

"I will survive." He wouldn't win, she owed that to herself. "You think you're the first? You think you're the worst. I was wrong you are a monster but even monsters need to be afraid of the dark." He let go of her hair and watched her body collapse, her skull bounce of the ground. Then he couldn't stop running until he was safe. From what he didn't know. The light in her eyes had been strength, it scared him. But what scared him more was that the pity was gone. He was a monster. He deserved to die. But death was so easy so final. She was right again death ended the suffering.

Slowly she propped herself up on her good wrist, and wrapped herself up in the jacket he had torn off of her. It smelled of Dean, he would be home worried. He didn't like her working here downtown but sometimes you just don't have a choice when you're a grad student. The soldier that Dean was, he always wanted to protect her, and knowing that he failed would hurt him. But at least she was alive. She could get through everything else because she survived.

Dean watched over her as she slept in the hospital. She had told him what had happened and he cried with her holding her hand all the while. He stepped out of the room and listened to the phone line ring until an old friend picked up. He told the same story she had told the cops earlier, only this enforcer followed a different set of laws.

The next morning she woke up to Dean watching the news, and there was a pitiful creature made to be an example by the monsters.

The Huntsman and His Fair Maiden Chapter One

She opened her eyes to see the world around her. Hidden from the skies by a ceiling of emerald leaves on the trees. Her bed was on the softest moss in the enclosed meadow. The sweet perfume of dew and fresh flowers was better than any stuffy cold stone room filled with manipulated flowers with more beauty than fragrance. Her pillow that she slept on was better than any goose down pillow and it was the arm of her lover. He heard her sigh, a sigh of contentment and yet sadness. They both knew that this could not last. This happiness, there was just too much separating them. They were lovers, but he knew it was not true love, not eternal love. Their's could not with stand the age of time and the struggles of hardship. He pulled her closer and kissed her forehead. It was doom, that made their love beautiful.

"We must get you back m'Lady." She felt his deep voice against her hair.

"Hush... Not yet." Yet she sat up anyway. Her ebony hair felt as soft as silk as he ran his hands through it, and as he did she leaned into his other hand that cupped her chin. How she wished this moment could last forever. He felt her eyes on him as he stood up and pulled on his leather pants and vest, those of a hunter.When he sat back down to dawn his boots she took them from him, and completed the lowly task herself. When she looked up to meet his eyes, she saw the love in his eyes. He took her hands and as he stood up he pulled her up with him. He tied her corset around her, and slipped the cool silk skirts over her skin. Until at last she no longer looked like a lover but that of a princess. He wrapped his own cloak around her, his quiet way of telling her he cared. Her snow white hand held his tan calloused one as they walked to where the horses were tethered. As they rode back to their prison of lies they enjoyed the sun and the taste of adventure. As her own mare thundered into the stable she let out a rebel yell of victory. He followed closely behind laughing.

Scott and Lara: Part One

Humming to himself, Scott sat at the edge of the creek. The water trickled along on its journey to its end. Like we all are in our own way. His brown hair held sweet curls, his muddy brown eyes a certain sparkle, and he stood alone in a crowd. With his strange quiet way he was a black sheep in his family, but they loved him. They loved the way he was a gentleman and how he stood by watching the world seeing it in all his beauty. He never said much but when he did you listened. That day he was humming songs he remembered hearing while growing up, songs of love, war, sacrifices and happy endings. Getting up he walked to school, just like he did every day. Passing by the same places he saw every day of his life, he saw all the differences everyone else missed. He noticed the same girl trapped inside herself. Did she know how she hid from herself?  Yet even as she was caged she was still true to herself with her kindness and he saw it everyday as she walked in front of him on the walk to school surrounded by friends. She stood apart in the crowd of people as if she were alone. As if only she knew what it meant to truly be a part of something. He never said anything to her he just trailed behind her and her friends and prayed the walk would be over soon. He dreamed of the day when he would finally meet her, and what he would say to her when they actually spoke. They never had classes together not in the last two years and not now in his senior year. Her friends were loving and caring yet they were not close. They seemed to be held together by her. They wouldn't know each other or even like each other if it weren't for her. She brought out the best in all of them. And he admired her for that fact.
She knew he was there. She always did. He was her white knight in shining armour. He just didn't know it. He was always there and she had created a man to match the figure behind her. She refused to talk to him in order to keep her dream alive. To keep her one escape in tact. Her friends talked about him and she had heard the rumors about him, and each time they only confirmed her own imagination. She feared the time was coming when her knight would meet the man himself and she was starting to believe he wouldn't disappoint. Since she was a freshman he had followed the same pattern, the same routine every morning. Every morning at the same time she walked past him sitting by the creek bed. She dreamed of what they might say or how they might act. He was so different from every one else she knew. He was so different from any other boy she had liked, dated, or even known. He drove girls home and walked them to their door. He carried paper backs in his back pocket. Had a football at hand and a smile on his face. He was considerate and kind. But he was a complete ass when situation dictated it. As far as she knew he had no flaws. He was well liked you might even say he was popular. Though no one ever considered him part of the 'in' crowd he was just well liked by just about every one. Except by what her mamma would call trash but they never really liked any one. Especially themselves. Life for her was within the walls of her high school. But she knew he dreamed of more. You could see it in his eyes. You could see it in how he moved, and talked. There was nothing he wanted more than to be out. Out of the confining life he had lived for the last eighteen years. She just knew it. And one of these days she was going to bite the bullet and not let life pass her by. She was going to say something to him. She just hoped she wouldn't be too late. Every morning they each had the same internal debate and every afternoon they were left to ponder it some more. Each night they asked the same question.

Trouble

Walking to my high school, I had seen hell play out before me. I had seen death in the suicide of a friend, I saw drama played out in sex scandals of my fellow students. And I saw lives fall apart because they'd fallen into the seductive clutches of drugs. I never thought I would have had to deal with it first hand. It hadn't started on the first day of school, nor did it start with a new student. He was one man, he had seen me fall in and out of love, he had seen me cry and laugh, and he had been the cause of it all. Because one day he noticed me. He wasn't the only one, it was difficult not to notice me. I had made sure of that. If I wore jeans, I needed a hanger, and to be lying on my bed to zip them up. If I wore a skirt, I was lucky to get away with it. My shirts were either tight or they exposed more than they probably should have.  He was the true meaning of player, except maybe that one girl could make all of the difference to him, and I had planned to be that chick. I had told you how it hadn't started but now I suppose you would like to know how it did. Of course it started in band. Not at band camp of course, or the football games, and definatley not in class. No this story started in the instrumant storage room. A room almost as infamous as the the drama dressing rooms. He was one of those percussionists, but then again so was I. He caught me before I had started my headlong sprint to class, by my hair. For a long time my hair had always been short, But then it was very long, it could tickle the small of my back and the boys always liked that.
He pulled my hair, and Lord I love that. Ha I promise you I'm not easy. It's just I don't bother to hide. I'll let you know when I'm happy. But at that moment I didn't know who was pulling my hair and I was mad. I had to get to class. I didn't have time for this shit. I turned around to face  him and I decided I would make time for him. "Yeah?" I asked him.
"Where are you going?" He asked in return.
"I'm not going anywhere, if you keep pulling my hair." He smiled.
"Is that a promise?" I couldn't help but laugh.
"You bet." He laughed back. I love a good time. And he would be a good time. The thought had barely fluttered through my head when he dragged me in for a kiss. And Lord was that boy a great kisser! I was up against the instrument lockers before I could register what was actually happening. When the late bell rang he stepped back and set me down on my feet.
"After school?" He asked before walking away. Well it looks like I won't be making it to band practice oh well. Thank God we had been friends for years. I knew he could be impulsive but I never expected him to make a move. We had done our best to avoid this. To ignore all the sexual tension that was split between us. It wasn't as if we never discussed it, we just never acted on it. No matter how much we wanted to. We wouldn't be a sex scandal I make certain of that. I am more discreet than that, I'd make sure it stayed quiet. I hate drama and I know he does but he can't help but cause it. People are just fascinated with him. It's just how he is. He walks into a room and your perception is filled with him. Oh Lord we were Trouble

That is the Question

I don't know anymore we met in college. He's awesome. I love him but...... I could never be truly happy. But with him I could live the life I want. I could stay at home cook large meals and read books all day. I could have the house I want. Yet I wouldn't have children running around because he doesn't want children. I would feel uncomplete. I could have almost everything I want. But the Love I need to be completetly happy isn't there. So where does that leave me to go. A life with out worry but with out the thing I want the most and with out love. Or a life with security, a sound home and some one who will take care of me? Where do I go? He would take care of me, he loves me. Someone else could make me so much happier. I can think of people who could make me happier. I could have the children I want but the security wouldn't be there. Working might be an option but it would probably be manditory. I could love some one else whole heartedly. But not him, I try so hard to make him happy, but he doesn't do the same for me. How can I let hm go? How can I think of leaving? I try to fancy myself the type of girl who would marry for love but, at this point in time I have doubts. Maybe life for girls hasn't changed much in 200 years at least not for me.