I honestly don't know why I keep this blog. I hate when people read it and yet at the same time I like the feedback I get.

Her apartment was in complete disarray but for once her mind was quiet. There were no annoying thoughts that refused to go away, no compulsions, and the stress just seemed to melt away. She was the same person who she had been before. Nothing had truly changed about her, but that is easy to forget. She didn't mind being painted the bad guy. She didn't mind sacrificing, often. But sometimes a girl needs a break. For once she would like someone to try and be the better person.

Shame on you. Don't be selfish. You wouldn't be any different from them. - I'm not any better. - You're right, you like them can be the scum of the earth. The difference is you would rather see the good. You've seen enough evil to fill a few lifetimes, and life for you has only just begun.

Her mind debated back and forth, the scale of this world. Are we good or are we evil? Is it decided with every little move we make? Or is it defined with single actions?

Is it better to forget the one girl who listened to you pour your heart out to? She did you wrong. Of that there is no contest, but is that wrong the entirety of her being, of her soul? Is she so evil? Is it honestly easier to imagine that she had never existed at all rather than she just moved on?

Is it not possible that the cords that touched your souls are not eternally entwined? That you were not meant to take the world on together. That you were never more than a rising step for each other. And you would have never made it with out each other? Are you filled with so much anger that you can't just fondly remember lazy afternoons. Afternoons where you were her world?
Are you to be defined by that anger? I should hope not.

You should know. She sits there smiling at the love you shared and every night before slumber consumes her mind she thinks of you. And she is grateful. She is a better more complete person because she knew you. You offered a light in a world of darkness and made her inspect her own souls reflection. And her love for you never died. She thinks of your anger, and she is filled with regret. How could she have done better? You are a complex mind, yet your final words were filled anger. You fell into the abyss you had once attempted to escape. Eventually you will fade from reality. You will be more than a memory, and less than a thought. The thought of you will have fused with her being. But you won't haunt her anymore. She's no longer afraid. She is everything you loved, and she is her flaws a unique combination, that in time you too will forget. Because it turns out you were never meant to be. Or it would have ended differently. It all works out in the end and everything happens as it ought whether it be right or wrong.
But her? Her mind is finally quiet. She is as she was before only different. She is at peace. She is happy in her own way. Finally feeling complete with out assistance of another. She smiles at the thought of you, and she thinks of you often. You chose to disappear but you will never truly be gone. Not really. She knows her wrongs, but she needed to grow. She wasn't done. She is still learning herself.

"You can say a lot of things about me, most of them bad. But you can never fucking say that I left or that I gave up." She screamed, her voice filling the air. Her pain dripping from her soul. No one heard her and no one cared. "I never meant to hurt you. I was just trying to survive. So where the fucking hell was my goodbye? At least I fucking told you. I knew better. I knew that you would be gone as soon as I let you go, I knew. It's just I wanted more than anything to believe that maybe just maybe what we had was real. But first love has a way of fading and meaning slightly less than nothing. I just wanted to be something with you! You were my best friend! Doesn't that matter to you? Even now when you openly reject, you are still one of the five people that matter. Don't you get that? It was real to me! You are in dreams. The taste of your skin, your scent, the heat of your kiss, and the look in your eyes when we laughed over stupid shit." She sat there a while longer."This is my goodbye." She whispered. "You can't hear it, and you don't want to. And that, that hurts the most because that means it was never real and you played me for the fool."

She was still there, all around him. Her makeup was on his pillow. The scent of her still clung to his sheets and to his skin. Her voice was stuck in his head. Her soul was attached to his. In that last soft kiss he could taste the desperation he could taste the grief. He didn't want to let her go. When he opened his eyes he found her staring back at him and he saw the future he knew he could have. He joked as he walked away, hoping this wasn't the end. Some things are just too good to let go even if there's no way they could have worked.

"Because of you, I learned to be strong. I learned that a man does not make me.  You taught me that I don't need any one but myself. I watched you be strong for me everyday. I watched you carry on when your world fell apart.

She savored the taste of her love. The slow tears burned her face as they fell. Her heart seemed to swell in her chest, growing more and more dense, crushing her soul with it's weight. Or rather only half a soul. She kissed her love's last breath away. Each half of their shared soul clung desperately to the other before hell's angels tore it apart.
We stood outside the door. We watched as she clung to her wife. The sound of her anguish filled my heart, that sound died long after the light left their eyes. One light extinguished to leave this world, the other when her world left. They laid there entangled in each other. I have never been more jealous in all my life then in that moment. No one would ever kiss the drying tears off my cheek, as they fell. Who would cry out for me or sob my name? She seemed so lost without her love. Broken, when she looked up at us the face hollow.
We had watched these two woman from the start. How together they stood and fought the cancer. How they had smiled, joked and loved their way through hell. We saw the tears, anger and resentment that sometimes clouded their days and their minds but only for awhile before the love would burn it all away.
They would look into each other's eyes and my heart would cry out in pain. I never realized I was alone until I met them, but I would never be as alone as the woman in front of me. She had none love's gentle warm touch. She had laid next to it every night since she said I do. And she would never feel it's sweet breath again. But she would remember. I can only hope that it would be enough. Will a memory ever be enough?

It's the men and hard times in my life that made me strong. But you. You are the reason I don't have to be.Thank you. I love you.

She stood in the middle of the lawn, not caring who looked on. She didn't try to catch her bag before it slipped off her shoulder and hit the ground with a resounding thud. All she could do was close her eyes and think. It was all she could do. Enjoy the warm southern air on her skin as it played along the blades of green spring grass and thistles. The smell of what ever flowers were just beyond the bend. And the warm sunlight washing away all her worries. She could hardly stand it. Only a moment of bliss, the grass was cool against her skin. With her hands to her eyes, she hid her tears from the world. And she just let everything go. She didn't say a word. There was nothing to say. Nothing would make it better, nothing would make it right. Nothing except accepting what was to come.
All around her people went on living their lives. Some would stop and wonder what was wrong. But no one dare approach her. No one dare touch her. Surrounded by humanity, yet she was alone. There was no solace there. Hearts were open, but not a single ear. She sobbed to herself.
For hours it seemed. And then she just sat there and let go of her dreams.

What's Real in this Fantasy?

In the way we are
We are free
From you
From me
There is no where
I'd rather be
Then to be surrounded
By the air you breathe
When my eyes close
You'll be there
When they're open
You'll be all I see
The taste of your skin
Is enough for me
There is just us
And it's enough
To simply be
You and me
Apart from what
The world sees
We are free
From all of its fantasies

A Game?

My dear roommate has been charged a riddle of which she must solve, in order to recover a  certain artifact. Ha! She has no idea what it is. This game, has given me an idea. It has sparked intrigue within my imagination. I now have the plot to my alternate universe! Yay! It makes me happy! A mystery on campus. Who'd have thunk it? it'll be great fun! oh well! Signing off now! 

In this moment all we have is ourselves, the thought eased into her mind. Gracefully it tainted her brain and all she wanted to do was catch him and never let him go. All she needed was for him to turn around, so she could kiss him. So their souls could meld into one.
In a breathe the distance was gone, and her small frame was in his arms, he felt as the tension released in her back and she melted against him.

Alter Egos

Yes, an alternate universe. I know I know. It's a bad idea. But it's going to be so much fun! I am so excited. I might post some of it here. But I just wanted to let you know my new project its so much fun! I even have an artist to help me with images and graphics! So if I'm not on for awhile you know why. I'm trying to get better about writing on here though.

Love Her More Anyway

I promised her that this is goodbye

So you're out of my life.

I'm free!

By the way she put herself on the line for me.

Which is definitely more than you could ever say

Robert Herrick

Upon Julia's Clothes

Whenas in silks my Julia goes,
Then then, methinks, how sweetly it flows
That liquefaction of her clothes.

Next, when I cast mine eyes, and see
That brave vibration, each way free,
O how that glittering taketh me!

-1648

Hemingway

Happy New Year!

It is a little belated but still Happy New Year!

Alone in a Roomful

We all tell stories. And each story tells a bit a bit about us. Each story becomes part of our story in its own way. We all want our stories to be heard. We all want someone to care. We want to to tell. We just want one person, one person, to care enough to listen. Or have that one person want to share their story with ours. We as humans are not meant to live alone, and yet we always are. Alone in a roomful of people. Sometimes when we're lucky we find someone who breaks through that bubble and they allow us to live. For a moment we can taste fresh air. But it's not long until we wait for them to leave. Because we can't trust that they'll stay.