I Pray...

A smile for the world to see
The sunshine a simple fantasy
A constant rain washes the pain away
All the while I pray
For nothing
I dream of an escape
From my ill twisted fate
Of broken promises
And monster wearing human faces
The war I wage is silent
Denial, rebellion, and pain
Somehow my heart stays intact
As the shell is ripped away
Each new slit a thrilling victory, a new promise made
One day the end will come
How I wish it were today
But somehow I hold back
To last a little longer
Why? I ask myself
But I don't know
Each breath
A painful blow
When will it end?
This pain?
When I am dead?
No.
When you're with me.

What We Were

Do you remember?
Do you remember someone like me?
Do you remember me?

From all those years ago,
When once upon a time meant happily ever after,
When we were friends,
When that meant forever,
When life was simple,
We were learning who we were,
Becoming who we are,
What chances we dared to take,
When mistakes were all we seemed to make.

When we were young,
Do you remember me?
We were friends,
Until the end.

You had a smile to light the town,
I had everything that mattered,
I had friends like you,
We were a family,
Split apart,
Forced to Depart.

We tried to hold on,
To last to the end,
But we faded away,
Look at what we were!

Another Love Story

Like so many love stories theirs started with a kiss, but unlike those many others their's was not one of passion or rather passion they shared for each other, at least at first.

When it began, he hadn't seen her smile for so long. They had been friends for years, it was as if there wasn't a time before he knew her.

His day at work had been much longer than he could have imagined, and he was looking forward to much needed sleep even if it was only five in the evening. His knee was killing him as he walked across the lot to his car, and there she was sitting on the hood of his car, smiling exactly how he remembered her. She was waiting for him, and with that thought he could smile back at her even after he day he had. He walked right up to her until they were toe to toe He felt her happiness as she threw her arms around his neck, picking her up he spun her around making her laugh. God, how he loved that laugh, it really was carefree.

"I've missed you." She whispered in his ear just before he set her down. He felt her smile against his ear as she said it.

"I've missed you too." He replied as he fought at the emotions he prayed had died. "How'd you get here?"

"I walked silly." He chuckled. He missed how simple she made her complicated life, for her there was only today. There was right and there was wrong. She didn't always do what was right but she never really tried to justify her actions. But most of all she loved as she pleased, if ever she said I love you, one could count on her to mean it, always. She said it a lot but it never diminished the meaning of the words. She did love you.

"Have you eaten yet?" She shook her head and he chuckled again softly. "Alright neither have I. How does pizza sound?"

"Sounds good, as long as I get to have one to myself." She said laughing at her own joke, although she hadn't been kidding at the whole pizza he knew all too well that she could eat that much and did on a daily business. That she had such a high metabolism just wasn't fair. It was just like old times as they got into his car.

He looked over at her and saw her smiling at him, again he smiled back at her, as he tried to remember how to start the car. After a second of feeling like he was back in middle school he manage to turn the key. He was grateful she pretended to be oblivious, just as she always did whenever she remembered his crush on her. He knew she didn't return that particular feeling, but there was an undercurrent that was more than affection, he also knew that she needed him. She needed the friendship they shared, being simply friends. There was no one else like him in her life and he knew it.

" Hey my parents aren't home, they're in Michigan visiting my sister. Do you mind?"

"No, of course not. I trust you. Your parents won't mind?"

"They love you."

"That doesn't answer the question, but that's good."

"Okay they trust you more than they trust me so yeah they'll be okay with it."

"They trust me? Wow. Haven't heard that in awhile." As they drove on he though of why he loved her, how he missed how she didn't feel the need to prattle on endlessly just to fill the silence. How they loved the same music and books. How she just understood. She took him for what he was and didn't hold it against him.

"What kind of pizza do you want?"

"Did you really just ask that?"

"Meat lovers then?"

"Of course!"If nothing else they were friends because of their mutual love of food. Not that you could tell that by looking at either of them. 

"Okay." He said laughing some more. " I'm gonna change and then I'll call in our order." He siad as they pulled into his driveway, he opened his front door  and was glad that his parents left that morning. Since he had worked all day the house was still clean. Then he heard her phone ring.

"Hey, I have to take this." With a smile she slipped out the back door, she waved at him as the glass door slid shut before turning to face the pool. He smiled weakly back at her before he turned to race up the stairs grabbing the handset as he went.

It didn't take him long to change into clothes he could only assume were clean,and call their favourite pizza place for two large meat lovers. Bounding down the stairs, he was glad to see she was still on the phone. He watched as she paced back and forth out of habit and how she talked with her only free hand. He watched her laugh and make faces at whoever she was talking to. Smiling to herself she hung up and headed to the door. It was then that she noticed him.He opened the door with a smile.

"Thanks. How long were you standing there?" She asked as the door clicked shut behind her.

"Only a few seconds. I can't believe you still talk with your hands." He was surprised to see her blush, before he recalled how self conscious she was.

"Yeah. I do..." She said with a shy smile.

"You up for a game of Halo?"

"You'll win."

"Just like old times then." He replied as she playfully punched him. Well it was playfully light to her, but it would leave a bruise. He never understood how a girl as little as her could punch so hard. Jumping over the back of his couch he feigned impatience as she walked around grabbing the controllers as she went. Gently she tossed on to him as she sank down into the cushions. It was in moments like that, that he was reminded of just how small she really was. She always seemed bigger, her personality filled the entire room.In a way it made it impossible for him to describe her as fragile but she was perhaps more so than he had ever imagined.

As he navigated them through the matches the distance that had separated them and all those years spent apart disappeared. It was as if nothing had happened at  all. But then again he saw everything that had changed. She was more subdued when she lost, she wouldn't throw a pillow at him, she didn't yell at her controller as loud or as often as she had done in the past. But she was just as ridiculously competitive if not more so. She didn't die nearly as much as she used to and she had more kills in the end than he did which was almost a hit to his ego.

When the doorbell rang they both forgot their game and raced the the door. Grabbing her waist right as they got to the front hall he picked her up and held her feet off the ground, laughing she opened the door taking the pizza as he gave the pizza guy the money. They shut the door laughing so hard they were just a bout crying.

"Will you put me down?" Her tone was no longer laughing, something was on her mind, but he knew better than to ask. Once upon a time she had been taller than him, now he was almost a foot taller than her 5'3". She set the boxes down on the counter as he set her feet back down on the floor. Before he knew what had happened she wrapped her arms around him it was just like what it used to be yet so much more. There was something new, it was as if she didn't want to let go.  He hugged her back, holding her close.

" I really missed you." She said into his shirt, her nose buried into the cotton, he smelled good, so good.

"I really missed you too." She smiled into his shirt, she loved the way she could feel the rumble of his voice. She adored how deep it had become. She looked up at him and her smile only grew.

Impulse took over, before he could stop himself he kissed her. On her toes she stretched up to meet him.  She'd known that this would happen and even though she knew the consequences she didn't dare stop nor did she want to. I don't want to hurt him, she thought, I love him too much.She smiled, and at the smile he felt on her lips he deepened the kiss and she felt her mind slip away as she relaxed into his arms.

He picked her up again but this time he sat her down on the counter, she hooked an ankle around his knee and ran her fingers through his hair.

She pulled away to look at him in the eyes. "I think the pizza can wait."

"Really?"

"Yeah, I like where this is going." He just stared at her, he couldn't believe his ears. He could have sworn his mind was playing tricks on him. But his mind wouldn't be kissing his neck. "Unless you're hungry."

"Not anymore." She smiled as he picked her up and carried her to the couch. He sat down and held her in his lap. She looked embarrassed, and he remembered how old fashioned she could be at the worst and weirdest of times, but the look only lasted a second before it was gone.

Curiosity of what could happen tool over her mind, she had always lobed him but never in a romantic way. Could this change that? Had it already? She knew it hadn't, nor could it. He was a conquest, a lovable conquest. Did she really want to ruin what they had? Would doing this ruin it? She loved everything about him but she wasn't in love with him. They could be happy together, but they were missing one crucial thing sheer physical attraction.

Why was she here? Why was she doing this? In the past she had made it perfectly clear that they were just friends.Whispering against her skin he broke the silence between them. "Why are you here with me?"

"Because I want to be." Her voice was clear he knew she had no doubts but he still did.

"There are a lot of other guys you could be with. Guys you have been with, and you can honestly say that you'd rather be here with me?"

"Yes, there are other guys I could be with right now. But I don't want to be with them, or even drink tea with them at the moment. Okay? When they see me I am nothing more than a game, and they are little more than that to me. They want nothing more than some one to get between the sheets, and not have a relationship beyond that. When you see me I am a friend, and equal, I am a person to you. I have feelings and thoughts and you see that. I'm not a toy to you. You know I can break. I mean something to you. That's why I'm here." She crawled off his lap to the other side of the couch. He reached for her, to pull her back. "Dammit don't touch me." He pulled her back anyway and she let him. "I don't want to take advantage of you." She wouldn't look at him. He knew if he let her think anymore this moment would be over and she'd never give him another chance. Gently he turned her head and kissed her softly and then her mind succumbed. She gave in and the night ended in his bed with his arms around her and a new beginning for them both. The perfect man for her was the one who was there all along. Who would have thought he was the perfect man for her?

College

Dear Readers,
I know in the past I have not been consistent with post, but recently I have gotten much better and posted quite a bit more. I hope you're not too used to it now. I have already gone through my first few days of college and college band and I'm not sure how all of this is going to work just yet. So bear with me please, and hopefully I make it worth your while. (: You know I really love to see that my views are going up and I hope you come back. Ya'll make me feel special and appreciated. And thank you to all of my friends who support me (and actually read this). Writing is my outlet for stress and hard feelings, and with some of the past days I've had this has been my only solace. I may not be the best writer in the world but I try to get better. Thanks for sticking with me so far.
Sincerely Your Author

Condemned By Herself

Sitting by myself. Not unusual. Yet not common. That one person, always there, yet never around.If you looked at me, you would see some one, a girl sitting by herself. My brown hair brushing across my shoulders. My deep red sweater some what to big. Around my too thin frame, I try to eat, I really do but to no avail my stomach heaves at any kind of food. Here I sit, hunched over my computer, book, or my beautiful piano. If the piano, I sit on the mahogany bench at my grand piano, if my computer or book on my hardwood floor. Nothing but the piano, the mattress, the computer, and a stack of books were in my room. The closet sits there with almost nothing inside, jeans, my blue sweatshirt, my red sweater and my white t-shirts, and my white cami. All that was in my room save the one thing that matters, the phone.  My single lifeline to sanity. WIth his voice not that far away. He visits when he can but he can not risk being exposed to being sick. His health cannot be affected. I love him but my he will not see my last breath.

Annabel Lee First&Second Stanza

Dear Readers, One of my favourite American authors is none other than Edgar Allan Poe. Though his stories are a shade darker than most of the ones that I attempt I do love his way with words. I am not alone in my admiration, I share it with one of my dear friends, Jake. I even let him borrow my full collection of Poe's work (he wrote in my book). Obviously he is now banned from borrowing any of my books ever again. But Annabel Lee is one of my personal favourites and as we discussed here is a story dedicated to him. Jake here is the story I promised you. We discussed a modern day Poe Poem, or rather a short based on his poem. I hope you enjoy it! Sincerely Your Author.

It was many and many a year ago, In a kingdom by the sea, That a maiden there lived whom you may know By the name of ANNABEL LEE; And this maiden she lived with no other thought Than to love and be loved by me. - Edgar Allan Poe, Annabel Lee

She walked along the wall of the Castillo de San Marcos and looked out over the river. The tourists and locals filled the otherwise silent air. As the constant humidity coated her skin. The overly warm air felt fantastic. She skipped across the coquina, with her shoes in hand. She loved the feeling of the rough rock against her feet. Most people could barely stand the stone made of small shells. You aren't supposed to walk across the wall, but every one does. Couples sit on the wall, parents try and keep their kids off of it, and annoying middle school kids bothered everyone there.
"Hey Leigh!" she looked back at him and smiled. It was her teasingly playful smile. It always promised just enough and still left you hoping for more. Her eyes were alight with mischief and a passion he had never seen anywhere else. She ran and jumped off the wall, hair flying, smiling, even as he caught her. "God! Why do you that to me?"
"Silly, I know you'd never let me fall." She said as he put her on her feet. She hugged him before running off to Lord knew where, laughing as she went. A thing she'd been doing since she was little, and he knew it meant she was upset. She would sit there and pretend everything is alright, but as soon as she got the chance she would come here or go to the beach. She would laugh and hide any tears even from him.
"Get back here," he called, before running after her. It wasn't long before he caught her, making them tumble to the ground laughing. They sat there for a bit perfectly content as he held her. "Whats wrong Leigh?" She turned away from him and just sat there in silence. But her silence said it all, she wasn't ready to tell him. He knew if he bid his time he would eventually tell him and they would get through it just as they always did. "Come on. I'll take you to the beach." She beamed up at him, and her eyes were filled with a love that matched his own. He was the single most important part of her life just as she was in his. He helped her up and they walked passed her motorcycle to his truck. Once they got to the beach they laughed and played in the sun and he watched her forgot her troubles for a few hours. Over the years she had come to depend on him and he had never let her down. She knew without a doubt that he was the only man she could ever truly trust. No matter what, he would always be there and that thought alone got her through her darkest moments.

I was a child and she was a child, In this kingdom by the sea; But we loved with a love that was more than love- I and my Annabel Lee;With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven Coveted her and me

His soul consumed her as they kissed, as his hand traced her bare skin, and her fingers laced through his blonde curls. He could taste her smile and her sadness. When he opened his eyes for a brief moment he could have sworn he saw fear flash in her electric blue eyes. She laid there with him in the sand wrapped in his love and the light of the sun. They were not alone on the beach but no one seemed to notice the couple in sand. And for an afternoon there was no one else in the world. No words passed between them, they didn't need them. She could feel his heart beat against her own skin, and she could feel the words he longed to say. His hand that engulfed her own told her how he would stand by her. The arm around her protected her from the world, and for herself if she ever needed him to. Her head was tucked beneath his chin was adorning. They didn't need words, they never really had. She never had to hear the words “I love you”, they were there in every moment in every breathe, and the were never said.
He would wait for her to arrive at school, he would sit on the tailgate on his truck, reading, studying or whatever it was that he did. When the practice first started the many people who thought of him as a friend would join him. After many months they found that even though he smiled at them and joked, he was merely going through the motions, for he truly did not come alive until she would pull up in the spot next to his, on her black motorcycle. Eventually the crowd thinned over time until it was just him there waiting for her. Seraphina and Evangeline would sit at the schools entrance watching him. They would glare as he draped an arm over her shoulder as the couple would walk in together. The two girls would come up with ways to split up Bobby and Anna knowing it would never work. They saw that for him there was only her and how they hated that. They were beautiful in their own rights but to him they could not compare to his Leigh.
As soon as the couple stepped in school they would be surrounded by their friends, and they would walk to class and enjoy their free time before the bell rang. Bobby and Anna would be in the middle of the crowd and yet they were apart. As if they were in their own bubble. Bobby was one of the finer guys at their school, and Anna knew it. His bright green eyes, broad shoulders, washboard abs, and his 6'5 stature, made sure of that. But it wasn't just that, it was his character too that set him apart from the crowd. He never went out of his way looking for attention but as it is with all like able men people were drawn to him. It also didn't hurt that his best friend was a little firecracker. Anna was petite compared to any one let alone Bobby. Her skin tanned lightly and her jet black hair was nearly always braided, and even then it hung down past her waist. She definitely had an hourglass figure though it was slender and she stood at a petite 5'3. They were a strange pair, but they fit. Evangeline and Seraphina saw what the two had and how they hated Anna for it. They couldn't face their own jealousy, because a small part of them liked her. So they settled on convincing themselves that she didn't deserve him.

Fallen

Never would I have thought that I could sink this low. That I could bare to see myself come to this, not that I didn't enjoy every single solitary moment of it. Yet it still eats at my very soul it doesn't entirely destroy me, but it was very much below me. Even in this society, I could be considered a slut, a whore. Just like in olden days long past, the days we thought we had evolved from. We thought we had overcome but yet here we are with the same principles they had. Even in this twisted world codes and chivalry still apply. So here I am a fallen woman. By the terms of those who looked down their noses at people who do not fit in their society due to birth, rank, job, money etc. So here I am with a dirty secret in my heart yet a golden thought in my mind.. A smile on my lips, and a beautiful feeling from my toes to the top of my head, The feeling making me giddy. I giggle at nothing and am rewarded by looks from my peers the ones who love to develope fantasies to ruin my life with rumors, lies that eat up their souls. I could never be one of those girls who could care less what people sat about me. Yet neither does it eat me a live to know what they are saying. With him to smile at and to receive a smile in return is rewarding always. Then to feel his breath on my neck in between classes, and his hand on my hip as me walk to class, and the taste on his lips when we are alone. These are thoughts I cannot forget. We have been dating for years some how it feels perfect being there with him, my skin still crawls in delight when he touches me and he has been touching me for years. Holding my hand hugging me till I choke, catching me when I fall. All that and more. There is nothing that can happen to take me awa not even him. For he could never do it, and he never would, my voice is just as addicting to him as his to mine. I still whisper sweet nothings in his ear as he says them aloud for all to hear at lunch he mouths "I love you." and I return the saying meaning every syllible. So where does that leave me? The whore? or the lover?

A Dream Within A Dream

Take this kiss upon the brow!

And, in parting from you now,

Thus much let me avow--

You are not wrong, who deem

That my days have been a dream;

Yet if hope has flown away

In a night, or in a day,

In a vision, or in none,

Is it therefore the less gone?

All that we see or seem

Is but a dream within a dream.

I stand amid the roar

Of a surf-tormented shore,

And I hold within my hand

Grains of the golden sand--

How few! yet how they creep

Through my fingers to the deep,

While I weep--while I weep!

O God! can I not grasp

Them with a tighter clasp?

O God! can I not save

One from the pitiless wave?

Is all that we see or seem

But a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe

The Refrain

Nothing is ever new

These words

You've all heard before

The message

All the same

As if our thoughts

Could truly be tamed

The refrain

You hear so often is

Hope

Love

Life

So often we refuse to take a chance

We refuse to jump

The unknown frightens us

Invites us

And entices us

So how could our words be anything

Other than the known?

How can we venture

When we never

Dream of what

There could be

But of what is

So often

We look at people and

We never say the things on our

Hearts

Minds

Souls

We let life pass us by

Most of us are trapped

Behind a life

We are condemned to lead

That we are expected to lead

We hate to disappoint

Especially ourselves

So let's jump

Together

Into Life

Every Thing to Lie For

I live a lie

With all my heart

My best friend

Never knew me

In the dark

Behind the veneer of deception

Inspiration bred

Of a desperate motivation

A love

That never was

That never will be

If only it could be

Things would be easy

We would be happy

If only you 

Would see

Me

For the lie

I live

For you

For us

Forever

A truth

You'd never dream of

Unseen

For an eternity

I hope

I wish

That you

Never see

The monster

You love

The one behind

The charade

That would break your heart

I love you

Anyway

Even if it means nothing

I 

Mean

Nothing

But

You 

Mean 

Everything

In Memory Of...

Our friendship would be hard to describe. You probably meant more to me than I did to you, but that's okay. I loved to you. Thank you for listening all those times when I called upset over something or someone. Thank you for making me smile and giving me advice and insight I could actually use. Thank you for being my friend. We shared stories, secrets and jokes. We put up with each other when we both did some crazy sh*t. I'm sad to say goodbye, you'll always be with me, at the back of my mind. I'll keep the memory alive. No one deserves to be forgotten especially some one like you. You were a joy to know. I loved our riveting discussions. One week ago you were taken from us, but you will never leave us. Scott Milton, you are still very dearly loved. Rest in Peace sweeite.

Morning Run

Her feet hit the pavement, and the wind brushed over her skin. The sun tried to blind her as she pushed on. Not ready to stop even as breathing became more and more difficult. Running towards something and running from herself. It was wrong, yet it was so right. Each step brought back a memory of a very different rythym. She smiled at herself and pushed on until the sweat dripped down her face, down her back. Her mind was at peace, the internal silence was so wonderful compared to its normal blather. She didn't know what it was but when it came to running she could just let all of her thoughts go and all there was was the next moment, the next step, the next breathe. She was never more in-tuned to herself than while she was running. She never questioned the emptiness she felt while she was running because it wasn't there. Her anger and grief could just fade away to where there was nothing but contentment and the need to carry on. Running was not her only pleasure it was just the only guilt free one. It's the simple things in life that keep us going and sometimes that's never more than a morning run.

In Owning Nothing!

My one and only attempt at a play! Written with the help of a very dear friend about for years ago.  Coming soon! On it's very own Page! (Links are to the Pages are in the bar that runs along under blog title). I still have a little tweaking to do! So keep an eye out for it! Sincerely Your Author

Happy Anniversary!

Well belated... It's been three years here on this blog. And yeah I know some years have had less updates than others but I'm trying. And yeah the fan base hasn't increased. But we're working on that right? For instance some one from Germany  found my blog! I hope they liked it and I hope they'll come back. I hope you do too! I may not be funny or goofy or incredibly deep. But I do have a very singular way of looking at the world. I'll share it with you if you would like to hear it. If you keep coming back. You never know I might just surprise you.

Surviving the Monsters

WARNING Mature Content (Violent Innuendos)

She never asked "Why me?". She looked him in the face, and refused to back down. As if he was just a child who done wrong. As if all it took was a few words. His arrogance turned to confusion and then again into anger. He saw no fear in her eyes. The rush he felt from the power of fear did not exist. Who was she to deny him that power?

"You won't shoot me." Her voice was calm and confident, her tone reminded him of his aunt when she spoke to a bad puppy, stern but gentle.

"Don't talk down to me!" He fumed closing his  eyes and clenching his free hand. He could feel his anger go through is body with each heart beat, and he felt the power in his rage.

"Then don't look down on me." And then the rage was gone.

"I should kill you right now." He wouldn't meet her gaze he stared at the gun in his hand instead of her. She waited, she didn't flinch or run.

"You can't. You won't" She knew to him it sounded confident but inside she was wondering why she was betting her life on it.

"Why the hell not?"

" You don't see fear in my eyes. You see pity. You won't look at me. You have my life in your hands but you don't have power over me. If it ended now the last thing I would know of this world is pain and pity. It will haunt you to see empty eyes and feel the pity I have for you. Who are you to be feared?"

"I am the one with the gun lady!"

"I am not afraid of death. Are you?" She saw him blink at the question and that was enough for her to know he did.

"Shut up."

"Death is not the scariest thing in this world. I die and all the scary things go away, I don't have to be here anymore." She couldn't help but double over when his fist met her stomach. The air was gone from her lungs, but she wasn't done yet.

"You haven't seen scary." She wasn't done yet no matter what he thought.

"You are not a monster. You may have done some terrible things, but you are still a man."

"You're stupid."

"You think so?"

"You won't shut the hell up!" She saw the next hit coming and the next. "You aren't afraid to die? I"ll make you beg for the bullet. You're going to want to die. And then you will."

He was brutal and merciless in his effort to hurt her. He reveled in her screams and held her down to witness his victory. He conquered her body but when he pulled her broken body up to look into her eyes he saw nothing. She gave no hint to how she felt no anger, fear, or even pity. There was only a fire that burned his soul. He had never felt regret until this moment. Even when she cried out she was strong. She looked away when she couldn't move but she didn't cry. She called out for help and screamed but no one came. He could barely see the green of her eyes they were swollen shut and her pretty lips were bleeding. Her nose was too. Her collar bone and wrist snapped easily and that wasn't even the half of it.

"I will survive." He wouldn't win, she owed that to herself. "You think you're the first? You think you're the worst. I was wrong you are a monster but even monsters need to be afraid of the dark." He let go of her hair and watched her body collapse, her skull bounce of the ground. Then he couldn't stop running until he was safe. From what he didn't know. The light in her eyes had been strength, it scared him. But what scared him more was that the pity was gone. He was a monster. He deserved to die. But death was so easy so final. She was right again death ended the suffering.

Slowly she propped herself up on her good wrist, and wrapped herself up in the jacket he had torn off of her. It smelled of Dean, he would be home worried. He didn't like her working here downtown but sometimes you just don't have a choice when you're a grad student. The soldier that Dean was, he always wanted to protect her, and knowing that he failed would hurt him. But at least she was alive. She could get through everything else because she survived.

Dean watched over her as she slept in the hospital. She had told him what had happened and he cried with her holding her hand all the while. He stepped out of the room and listened to the phone line ring until an old friend picked up. He told the same story she had told the cops earlier, only this enforcer followed a different set of laws.

The next morning she woke up to Dean watching the news, and there was a pitiful creature made to be an example by the monsters.