Trouble

Walking to my high school, I had seen hell play out before me. I had seen death in the suicide of a friend, I saw drama played out in sex scandals of my fellow students. And I saw lives fall apart because they'd fallen into the seductive clutches of drugs. I never thought I would have had to deal with it first hand. It hadn't started on the first day of school, nor did it start with a new student. He was one man, he had seen me fall in and out of love, he had seen me cry and laugh, and he had been the cause of it all. Because one day he noticed me. He wasn't the only one, it was difficult not to notice me. I had made sure of that. If I wore jeans, I needed a hanger, and to be lying on my bed to zip them up. If I wore a skirt, I was lucky to get away with it. My shirts were either tight or they exposed more than they probably should have.  He was the true meaning of player, except maybe that one girl could make all of the difference to him, and I had planned to be that chick. I had told you how it hadn't started but now I suppose you would like to know how it did. Of course it started in band. Not at band camp of course, or the football games, and definatley not in class. No this story started in the instrumant storage room. A room almost as infamous as the the drama dressing rooms. He was one of those percussionists, but then again so was I. He caught me before I had started my headlong sprint to class, by my hair. For a long time my hair had always been short, But then it was very long, it could tickle the small of my back and the boys always liked that.
He pulled my hair, and Lord I love that. Ha I promise you I'm not easy. It's just I don't bother to hide. I'll let you know when I'm happy. But at that moment I didn't know who was pulling my hair and I was mad. I had to get to class. I didn't have time for this shit. I turned around to face  him and I decided I would make time for him. "Yeah?" I asked him.
"Where are you going?" He asked in return.
"I'm not going anywhere, if you keep pulling my hair." He smiled.
"Is that a promise?" I couldn't help but laugh.
"You bet." He laughed back. I love a good time. And he would be a good time. The thought had barely fluttered through my head when he dragged me in for a kiss. And Lord was that boy a great kisser! I was up against the instrument lockers before I could register what was actually happening. When the late bell rang he stepped back and set me down on my feet.
"After school?" He asked before walking away. Well it looks like I won't be making it to band practice oh well. Thank God we had been friends for years. I knew he could be impulsive but I never expected him to make a move. We had done our best to avoid this. To ignore all the sexual tension that was split between us. It wasn't as if we never discussed it, we just never acted on it. No matter how much we wanted to. We wouldn't be a sex scandal I make certain of that. I am more discreet than that, I'd make sure it stayed quiet. I hate drama and I know he does but he can't help but cause it. People are just fascinated with him. It's just how he is. He walks into a room and your perception is filled with him. Oh Lord we were Trouble

That is the Question

I don't know anymore we met in college. He's awesome. I love him but...... I could never be truly happy. But with him I could live the life I want. I could stay at home cook large meals and read books all day. I could have the house I want. Yet I wouldn't have children running around because he doesn't want children. I would feel uncomplete. I could have almost everything I want. But the Love I need to be completetly happy isn't there. So where does that leave me to go. A life with out worry but with out the thing I want the most and with out love. Or a life with security, a sound home and some one who will take care of me? Where do I go? He would take care of me, he loves me. Someone else could make me so much happier. I can think of people who could make me happier. I could have the children I want but the security wouldn't be there. Working might be an option but it would probably be manditory. I could love some one else whole heartedly. But not him, I try so hard to make him happy, but he doesn't do the same for me. How can I let hm go? How can I think of leaving? I try to fancy myself the type of girl who would marry for love but, at this point in time I have doubts. Maybe life for girls hasn't changed much in 200 years at least not for me.

High Heels

Even then as I looked at my beautiful high heel shoes, I could not fathom what had just accured. The slick black heels were professional yet completely gorgeous. Some how I had  walked through the door and left the world behind. Our clothes were scattered across the floor in our pursuit of the bed his shoes managed to get to the floor and his socks too. But my shoes were forgotten on my feet. All passion not forotten, it consumed us in the infinate amount of time where we forgot my gorgeous shoes. Now as his chest rises and falls, I kick off my shoes and he drew me closer and I couldn't stop looking I was unable to let him out of my sight. Or even out of my reach, I couldn't bear to let him go. Again we were drawn back to a world only we can reach, my husband and me. I will never let him go. Consumed by his love.

Just Another Day

Here I was with my best friend enjoying the emotions sweeping over me, but they were not in any way over whelming. I embraced these feelings gladly. We both loved cars, played Hallo and loved pokemon. I read books and he watched t.v. he was my best friend and I love him. I had known him since I was 15 and he was 16, ten years later and I still loved him. There I was wrapped in his white sheets with him breathing next to me staring, loving, caring. Whispers could not be heard in the next room over but she was in a heaven of her own and could care less, probably being whispered to as well. The kisses given were quick, light and unforgettable. I looked up and smiled at him almost unable to look away. Yet look away I did, I crawled to the foot of the bed the sheet slliding only to be pulled closer to my chest draping around my shoulders. As I reached I flicked the t.v. on and grabed the hand sets, as he got ready to beat my ass at another round of Hallo. He pulled me closer. It was a habit I guess, pulling out those controlers. And enter a world of slaughter. A place where we love and enjoy being love. As he holds me in his arms with thse sheets wrapped close it's hard to forget I'm loved and by him.His arms around me with our controlers one in front of the other the game begins. And so does the rest of our lives.

What Would You Do Without Me? Part One

Adelle has the right outlook on life. She loves people and can't help but trust them, even if they if they have everything against them. She loves life, and loves to smile. Her laugh never fails to make you smile. Adelle is always curious, she always has a question for you, and they don't always make sense to you. Yet they make perfect sense to her. Even though we don't see eye to eye on life, her internal sun shines through my clouds, and leaves me thinking that life isn't so bad. Adelle has common sense and she thinks before she speaks. She is cautious but yet lives life to the fullest. She hates being alone. She is as loyal as a golden retriever, and she cares about her friends.She can act like an idiot, and tease every boy she sees, but you can't help but understand that that's how Adelle is. Her blond hair reaches past her shoulders and half way down her back, and her brown understanding eyes, convey how much she cares about you. Her high cheek bones show the elegance that still exists in the world, her full lips curve into a smile that can melts ones fears away. Her 5.3 height adds to her charisma. We are not alike. She brings light to my dark mind. My laughter sounds dead compared to the bells that ring when she laughs. Her smile is easily found while mine is lost to most of the world. I tower over her at 5.6 my red hair is not vibrant and has no sheen, it is as dull as the clay below this grass. My green eyes are dead behind the color of life. I speak before I think, I live life without thinking it through. I am lost where she is found. My sanity is in question at times where her lack of is billed as being Adelle. She is quick to give her heart away and reluctant to take it back. Where I am hesitant and easily swayed. She has Shane where I have Will. We are polar opposites yet the same. We both come to each other with questions and we both seek advice from one another. We rely on each other more than you could imagine. I can calm her down with a few quick words, and she can make me smile with just the smallest of looks. She gets lost in the beauty of life. I am bewildered at the disgrace of life. We both love the same movies, books, artwork, and friends. That makes us the same yet very different in this life. She wants to be in the army to protect, serve, and love our country. I am the one who has no clue what I'm going to do. She will end up happy in a world no one thought possible, I will be miserable everywhere I wander. That is unless she is still there to smile with me. Really she is more like my sister than anything else and yet she is far from. She never annoys me like other people with her energy do. Despite all our differences there is something out there that has brought us together.

Just Another Fan Fiction - Surviving Beyond Living

Dear Readers
Over the years thousands of people have produced multiple Harry Potter Fan Fictions. I have decided to count myself among their numbers. You will be able to find My Fan Fiction "Surviving Beyond Living" on My Pages ( when it has been edited and ironed out to my satisfaction) or on my other blog dedicated solely to the Fan Fiction. My main character, Kass Darcie Cambers, she is a Hufflepuff. My fascination with the Hogwarts House began when I was placed there during my Pottermore Sorting. So there you go. I'll probably be filling up this page with random musings for this novella, or perhaps even a novel. On a similar note I will be publishing older random pieces, from a different time in my life. When there were people I could actually share my stories with. Challenge Three! Pick out which stories are my random older pieces! Let me know which ones are your guesses in your comments. Maybe this is my year! You know! Maybe some one will appreciate this blog as much as I do. So Some Random Thoughts Welcome to the World of Harry Potter! Are you ready?
With Love Your Unfazed Author
P.S. The Badger's cute isn't he? I found him online! He wasn't of my creation but I sure wish he was!
P.P. S. This is the one. Freeze Ray. Stops Time. Tell Your friends. - Dr. Horrible

Her Curse

She was a piece of artwork. Her skin was so soft, yet so strong. At first I wasn't sure about her. Who was she to act like that? Like she owned the world. And then I spent a few hours with her, just getting to know her. We talked over what I can't remember now, but it was after that that I understood. She listened, she talked, she laughed, and she wrapped her spell around me I couldn't help but fall into inner chaos. I fell in love with her and I don't know why. It made no sense, none at all. We had a lot in common. Now I see that's just how she is, she reads you and she knows you. In those first few minutes in knowing her she reads into your soul and tells you exactly what you want to hear. She shows you the part of herself that you could love. She's simple enough, her wants were simple, her needs were few, but she was extraordinary. She looked at me and I saw myself as she did. I saw myself as some one worth wanting. She looked at me and saw that I was worth something even when I couldn't see it in myself.  She smiled and I saw true joy, joy that existed because of me. Some how I made her happy, with only a few words. It was never an act, I see that now, its just how she was. She never made you love her. You just saw that she accepted you wholly and loved you for who you were. There in lied her power, she loved you. Like no one ever had before. Like no one ever would again. It was such an innocent simple thing this love. It was her pursuit to happiness. And all I had to do was love her, cherish her, and not abuse her. All I had to do was gain her trust and keep it. All any of us ever had to do was remember that she was human. Yet its that very simple fact we can hardly remember. We see how she saw every other person and we see that she loved them just as she loved us, no different. She loved. How we were in love with her meant nothing, for she simple loved us. Perhaps there had been some one some where that had truly gained her heart, body and soul, but some where along the lines it had been crushed and she was left with broken dreams and life's goal that led no where, for her. She had the power to love but not a heart to give away. She wanted to be happy but she didn't have the key. She had her pick of men and we all loved her, but it was not the one she wanted. I'll never know who he was but if I had I would kill him. Because he deserved to die for hurting her like that. But it was her gift to have men fall in love with her but it was her curse to never let them in.

If only she could see...

She could imagine the disappointment in her mother's eyes. That would be the worst consequence she would face if any of this ever came to light. This twisted secret that she had some how fallen into. All by her own design. She knew exactly what it was  she was getting into, yet instead of turning around and running she raced head on towards her own demise. And it didn't stop at the first time, it didn't stop when her life became jeopardized. In fact it didn't stop at all. The rush was too great, the need was always there, this dark secret. Her desire, and passion led her astray from the path she had struggled so long to follow. What she had done was not who she was. Who was she kidding? There was nothing glamorous, beautiful, or attractive about the life she had chosen to live. And she was a slut. The  men she had fallen into bed with meant a little bit of the world to her, but she meant nothing to them. Nothing but a good time at least. How could she have fallen so low? How could she let this happen to herself? How could she even begin to start over. Who would accept her and her past? So she walked on hoping that for once the past could slip away and that the skeleton's in her closet wouldn't come to life to follow her.
"You could face them."
"Face who?" Did he expect her to confront the few men she had ever loved?
"Your demons." The ones in my head...
"I can't do that. I'm not strong enough, my past has proved that."
"In the past you didn't have me." He said with a smile as he took her hand. She knew as he said it that he was right. She could do it because she had him. He was the factor that didn't exist before. He gave her the hope to become someone else, to become who she had once been. A woman, of strength, power, pride, self assurance, and humility. A woman worth loving.
He saw the thoughts flash in her eyes, if only she could see, she was always worth loving. Even in her darkest moment he had loved her. He wanted nothing more than to be the man worthy of her despite her mistakes, because despite her flaws she was kind loving and selfless. Yes, selfless.He loved her, if only she could see that it is because of her, who she was, is, will be. If only she could see.

She came out from behind the bend and before her was her world. The horizon was before as she drove down the hill in her beat up truck. The sun began to set in all of it's golden glory, filling the sky with deep oranges, blood reds, and the ever increasing indigos and midnight blues. She wished she had a picture of this moment. This little moment of bliss. But the moment had come and gone and all she had was a memory.
Even as she rolled down the hill, she wanted to turn the truck around and walk through that all too familiar screen door. She couldn't, like that day the relationship had to end. No matter how much she didn't want it to. He understood, he stood by and let her break both of their hearts. They both knew it was for the best. They didn't question what they had to do. Or even why.
Her tears fell down her face as she made the final turn onto the highway, when her phone rang. She didn't look to see who it was. She already knew.
"Hey..." The voice on the other end was as broken and tear stained as she knew her's would be.
"It's too early for hello's."
"I just had to tell you." He paused, but there was no suspense, she knew him too well. "I'm not ready to say goodbye just yet."
"Don't say that." She heard the sob in her own voice and wished she could be stronger. "What else could we have done?"
"Nothing. There's nothing we could have done differently. I just wanted to let you know. I wished there was a way that it didn't have to end."
"If only that was enough."
"I love you."
"And I love you."
"You're my secret I wish I could tell."
"You are my Romeo."
"And I would have died like the fool, with a smile on my face. At least my Juliette is too brave to let either of us die."
He knew she was smiling, that hear wrenching smile of beauty.
"These violent delights have violent ends. And in their triumphs die, like fire and powder, Which as they kiss consume."
"One of us had to be practical." He reasoned for her.
"No! Don't say that. I'll turn around right now if you try and defend what I've done."
"What is that? What did we ever do wrong?"
"We fell in love!"
"It happens. Look. It's not over because believe this or not my heart will always be true to you. My arms will always be open for you, and there will be a side of my bed and a chest of drawers. I know you love me, so don't deny that you would do the same. I'm saying that, knowing that is enough. I have lived to know that I have been loved and that I have loved.  You were enough to keep me going and the thought of you will continue to keep me going. Until my dying day." And with that he hung up, but just as he said he was never gone.
After that night she couldn't watch her favorite movies any more, all of them were love stories. They were too real, despite the fiction. But Romeo and Juliette she could stand to watch that. At least she was alive even if she didn't survive.

Everything He was Not.

She was the victim of her own kindness. Her own love for every other person is what destroyed her. She couldn't stand to see him hurt or alone, even though she was driven to that very state countless times, all because of him. His inability to show empathy, to even begin to understand is what destroyed a match that seemed to be invincible.
He stood next to where she sat crying, the formal gown just a reminder of all the wonderful empty promises he had made. He looked down on the woman he had driven to tears and he couldn't understand.
He had sworn she was the only one he could ever love. But how many times had she been pushed away to make room for someone else? He would often come back with words of love, and she would let him back, all the while thinking that she was the better person for giving him a chance. Every time he came back he tried to tell her how special she was, how beautiful, how kind. She didn't deserve him, he would say. She would agree silently in her head, never letting him see how truly hurt she was by his betrayals  She couldn't show weakness, she couldn't let him see how truly destroyed she was, but every now and again her mask would crack. She would yell and give him a good what for. She would scream in he own way and tell him everything she had pent up. He would apologize and act like a beat puppy until she apologized for her behaviour. But he never once apologized for his. She could't look at herself in the mirror without wondering what she was worth. She had plenty of people telling her, she was worth the world. But who was she to believe them? The only boy she had given nearly everything to had walked away? Over and over again, never looking back until he realized what he was missing, and then he would come back and leave again after he got a decent fix of feeling loved, of feeling like a normal human being.
The tears rolled down his face as he listened to her sob. He knew it was his fault, he knew there was something he could do. But she wanted him to mean everything he said, and back it up everyday. And to be honest he was just simply not capable of that. He could't guarantee her anything he sad would come true. Except that he was sorry. And she was tired of the apologies, they didn't mean a thing. He never changed, so how could he be sorry. So he left her there. There was no where else to go, and that hurt her most of all. He waited this long to leave her? He took this long to decide it was over? He was finally glad. And it hurt her that she was so happy, she didn't want to give up on him, but somewhere along the way she had given up on herself, and everything she had once prided herself on what had made he a person had fallen away and she had become everything she hated in other people. She had become sick in her soul. And she was broken. She would fix herself because no one else could. But he would never heal, and each scar that he left on her heart would be written across his own as he goes his own way with the only person that ever truly meant anything to him. She was the best damn thing in his life, and he had to walk away or she wouldn't exist at all. Her soul would die, and so would the person he loved and admired, for everything he was not.

He watched as she ran around the backyard with their tiny dalmatian. He heard her laugh as the puppy finally caught up with her. It was a laugh he knew well, one he had heard many a times at all the worst possible moments. She caught the puppy and carried him up to the porch, where her lover sat and kissed him on the lips. She pulled away smiling when the phone rang, only to saunter into the house. He knew who it was on the phone, her mother. She called every Sunday, every damned Sunday. Maybe if things had been different he wouldn't have minded, but if it had been different they wouldn't be here together. It hadn't started out ideally that was for sure. They hadn't been friends since they were kids who grew into love. No, they had met in high school. That had been a blast. She hadn't changed much since then, she still was spontaneous, indecisive, and a tease. Her hair had grown out since she impulsively decided to cut it (and man did he like it long). She still talked endlessly, unless she was a in deeply thoughtful mood. And she was her mamma's girl. He could hear her talking through the open door but he couldn't tell what she was saying. By her tone her knew she was defending every decision she made since him. She tried to explain why it worked, she couldn't and neither could he. This was not what he had planned, he wasn't supposed to be with her. It's not what she expected. He heard the puppy whine and decided to go see what was wrong. He walked in to see the tears on her face. He took the phone out of her hand, "Excuse me, my wife and I have things to do. So if you're done making her cry we'll be going now." And without another word he hung up. He wrapped his arms around her and said nothing. Sometimes nothing needed to be said.
Which for them was rare. They were the kind of couple to have full logical conversations during great sex. In fact their first time, they stopped and put their clothes back on because it was more fun to talk. Not because the sex was bad but because the conversation was so great.
But they had had this conversation plenty of times. Over the years it was always the same argument over and over again.
They had never actually dated. They simply were. They laughed, joked, made love, and lived. When they had the chance at least. They did it all until they couldn't see a future with out the other. Their parents couldn't understand, and they didn't want to explain just why exactly they were so close. So there was a small quick ceremony with the immediate family, and then they were off living their life together, their families drifting into the wings rarely heard from except during holidays or special occasions. Except her mother.
It hurt her that her family had drifted away, that they couldn't accept her. But she was going to be damned if she didn't live her life according to them. This was their life.
She let him hold her, and let all the pain go. It didn't matter. She looked at him, and the love she saw in his eyes made life seem all the better. He let her go, took her by the hand and let her back out side to the swing. There they sat and waited for the day to end. For someone else to say that they had it wrong.
Just let them try, she thought with a smile, as she held his hand for all eternity.

A Good Night

Being Close

Closer than Before

Yet the Farthest You've Ever Been

Everything

And Nothing

A Moment of Bliss

In a State of Nothingness

Each Touch a Sudden Rush

Each High Bringing a Greater Fall

Into Love

Or Farther in to Recess of Yourself

Either way is Doomed

To Last an Eternity

Or as Long as the Last Kiss

To One its Means Everything

To the Other it could Mean Nothing

Yet it Could Mean the World to Both

Worth Every Risk

Worth Every Step

Worth All the Pain

For a Chance at Something Greater

Every Year...

Every year it was the same old thing. She was surrounded by people she couldn't stand. But this year was different. This year was her year. Finally the Holidays would mean family. They weren't related by blood but they were held together by a lot more. Time had knit them together as life propelled them towards an end they couldn't see. And Finally she could spend a piece of her life with the people who made it worth living. The cold November day was just the start of the rest of her life, and it started with baking and cooking. She had been planning for Thanksgiving for days and days. She had been preparing, organizing, and designing all season for this day. Her debut so to speak. And it could have been nothing but a success. Slowly her kitchen filled with the sweet aromas, people and love. Laughter filled the air, dirty pans covered the counters and bubbles filled the sink. Life was there in the house and you could not escape the joy. As the turkey was roasting and the rest of the food was cooking the friends all ran outside. The girls had grabbed the very loved football only to be chased by all the boys. The Macy's Day Parade was on but long forgotten. They ran about the yard competeing for the best plays, celebrating the best tackles and stumbling into endzones. This was life. Finally. The timers in the kitchen brought their games to an end as they all migrated indoors to sit down for a lovely afternoon meal. All around the table they thanked God for the things God had given them, they asked for nothing and recieved more than they ever could have imagined.

The Reoccuring Nightmare

Seeing him was a shock, electric waves shot through her blood. A heat wave swept through her body as if she just shot vodka, maybe even a double shot. And memories of their nights spent together filled her mind. He offered an awkward smile and she remembered why it was over. At least for her, he had let her down. She didn't want his promises, she never asked for them, but he had promised anyway. Then he never came through. How could he do that to her? Why? He left her on her own. Did she scare him away? Did she do something wrong? She was hurt more by what had happened then he could have ever possibly been. Her,mind, body and soul were forever changed. Only his mind had been altered. He was not there when she needed him most. Bastard, yet she knew things weren't overbetween them either. She was going to strangle him until his teeth rattled and then she was going to kiss him. She was dumb if she thought things would change, Good thing she didn't expect change. Dammit. She deserved better but she was the best he was ever gonna get. Did he deserve another chance? That's the question. Would she give him one?

Chin Up, Face Down

Looking into his eyes she knew that he knew. He knew what was happening, he saw through her careful makeup and her lies. How could he? When even she couldn't? How could he see the truth when she could only tell herself that it would never happen again? And each time she wondered. Where had the love gone? She looked away to hide her shame. SHe could never tell how often she ended up on the ground after being pushed around. How she couldn't stop what was heppening to her. "How long?" he asked. "What?" Her head snapped up and again she met his gaze and finally he got a taste of the fear she lived with. "How long have you been hiding those bruises from me?" he heard her sharp intake of breath. "You thought you could hide it forever?" "I didn't know what to do." "How could you not tell me?" "How could I? I am supposef to be a strong independant woman. I can't even walk away! How could I tell you that I am not who you think I am?" "So you're taking it alone?" He didn't need an answer. "Come on. Let's go." "Where?" "To put that bastard in his place." She stopped following him but he continued on with out her. It was probably better if she wasn't there for it. He knew exactly where the bastard would be. "Hey ass hole," the bastard looked up in time for the punch. "Now you'll have a bruise to math hers. Do you feel like a man when you push her around?" The man taunted, the bastard who beat his woman. "Every action in this world will bear a consequence, if you wait around for ever you will surely drown. I see what's going down. You can't hurt her anymore. She's had enough." "Says who?" "Me, she drives me crazy. I love her. She'll never know."