Ode to Idiocy and Imbecils

Don't tell me it's fine and hide behind your lies
Don't you dare tell me I don't care
Don't make this my fault
It's up to you
It always has been
Don't waste your last chance
Not on this
Just rememebr that Hell Hath No Fury Like A Woman Scorned
You scorned me
I'll so you fury
I'll show you what it means to lose everything
I'll show you what you're too ignorant to realize you have
You will misss us
You will regret this
You will come back
Surrender is not an option
Begging is not an option
You will wake up
You will smell the bloody roses
And you will see what it means to be loved
Love is hell
Love destroys you to make you stronger
Or are you too weak to stad again?
I never thought I was brave
But then again I never saw weakness until I met you
I am strong because I have to be
You must be strong because I am not giving you a choice
There is nothing left but forward
This is not the end
This is selfish
You would be the instrument of Hell
Are you to be used as such?
A puppet for the master?
Are you the bloody bait?
I'd be proud to say you are not
But frankly I don't know
Don't be anything less than what you are

You'll See

You never realized what I was capable of. You don't realize the enemy you made. Come and tell me everything to my face. Make the move so I can fight back. Challenge me so you learn what it means to have a fair fight. Forget words. Hit me once. I promise you it will be your only chance. If I could have finished this any other way I would. You never gave me a chance. You shut me out before I had a shot. I will never be good enough. But I can't be anything other than what I am. So you can just Eat It. Okay? Because I'm done taking all you sh*t. Yeah that's right. I'm not changing for you. And one day you will see what you missed. You will see I was good enough. I will be there on that day for you. the one person who was never there for me. I will take the punch you throw and I will throw some back. It won't change a thing. You will still hate me and I will pity you. You the person who was so lost in life, you never what there is or what there was. You constantly ran from everything avoiding the credit that rested on you. You blamed others and they bore the weight for you. Because they love you. Don't you see? Can you? Is the wool over your eyes so thick? I will end this one way or another. I will cry for you. I will stand silent as you scream and one day i will scream back. I will stand up for what I believe in. I will make you see that I am not wrong and that you are not always right. You are not above me you never will be. Never. Do you hear that? Never. I will never be under you. I may sin but that is not for you to judge. One day you will see. perhaps you will not be alone. You will not have pushed everyone away. You will find love and see your mistakes without having lost it first. Our lives will not be easy. Our mistakes never small. But we will always be friends if only just at odds. You will always have me. That I promise you.

Only A Lark? ... Never...

We are a lark
                    a test
                            Nothing more
         Nothing less

                                                                                                                                 To see how far we get

                                                                                To learn how close we can become

We don't know where this will end
                                                    or
                                                        where
                                                                  it
                                                                     will
                                                                           lead...

                                                                                                                                             Yet we follow

                                                                                                                                        None                       

                                                                                                                                    the

                                                                                                                               less

We trace steps
                      And Smile
                                     We laugh
                                                    Kiss
And feel like we belong
If only for a moment
Because this is life
We are learning
How to be loved
and love
To make mistakes
To live
You and I
Together
Not Alone
Never alone.

We are a lark
                     a test
                             a friendship
                                              a crush

We are young
Learning to become old
Growing older to understand what it means to be young
We are life

We are together
We are friends

Unlikely

"Best friends are strange creatures. They never hesitate, they are always there for you. He was, with out question, my best friend. We did everything together. He knew everything about me. I knew what his next move was before he did. Which came in handy. I could be myself around him, or more so than I was with other people. I held back from people, he didn't. He wasn't scared of them. He could've cared less than what they thought of him. He was hot. It was crazy how the girls chased him. I won't lie. I cared. We both dated, but it was never more than that. When we were alone, he would hold me. We would flirt, goof around, whatever we felt like doing. We never felt like giving it a name. We weren't ashamed not of each other. We just never made anything out of it. It wasn't until we kissed that it finally sunk in. I loved him. He told me he wasn't gonna let me go. We still acted the same around other people. They never had to know. It was just easier. There was no drama, no others in our lives. No one else compared. It was a time when I smiled often. It never ended. Eventually we graduated from high school. We never again had to walk those halls, or deal with all those people that cared too much about our lives. We had come a long way since when he first kissed me. After we walked across the stage and were handed diplomas, he kissed me, in front of everyone. It took me by surprise, we stood there laughing as every one stared and whispered. It wasn't shocking when we left for college together. It was even less so when I came home with a ring on my finger. We knew our chances. We knew how often relationships like ours don't last. I have news for you. We made it. In the end, we were together six years before we were married. And you know what else? It's been a long time since then. He's my best friend, he's the man who loves me, he's mine. Who'd of thought we'd make it? I'm glad he had faith. He never hesitated. He never questioned, he knew. He had always known. He had always loved me. I wish I had been as brave as him. I wish I could say I was like him. But my friends, that would be a lie. I was his balance. I was the calm one, I was the one that laughed and brightened the room up. I was the parent that sat up until the kids walked in the door a few hours after curfew. He would be up just to keep me company, not to yell like I did. He was my best friend. He knew me better than I knew myself. He was my other half. I loved him. I still love him. Even though he's gone, he's still in my heart. He was a good man. He made my life worth living. And now that he's gone..." The tiny old woman burst into tears. One hand covered her eyes and the other gripped a cane with white knuckles. The cane was seemingly frail and delicate like her. This woman was stronger than she appeared. She was 93. She looked up with her warm brown eyes, tears streaming down her face, and she laughed a sad laugh. "I thought I was the one that was supposed to go first? You were supposed to be the strong one." The look on her face was one you could see on a teenager. For a moment you could see back in time, to when she was young. "We were unlikely, we were different. But we were each other's, nothing can ever change that. I can never hold his hand again. I can never laugh at his jokes or tell him to turn the t.v. down. I can never tell him I love him, and have him hear me." Around her, the family she had made and brought together, stood next to the friends the couple had gathered through their lifetime. Age played no part amongst their numbers. The day was bright and cool. The spring day was dry apart from the morning dew and the tears. And all the people gathered looked to the frail woman wearing black as she cried, she stood alone next to the man that had been her husband in life. Wishing he was there with her, to get her through this. "I won't ever say goodbye, because you will never truly be gone." She turned away from the casket, away from the grave, she walked to her chair, as she sat down. She covered her face and sobbed. The picture above the shiny black casket, was a black and white, it showed the couple when they were young. They were laughing. He was handesome yet he seemed all the more so, because of the woman in his arms. She was looking up at his smiling face. It was as if she forgot that someone was taking their picture. She looked at the picture, and remembered how he had asked her to marry her as the camera clicked. All of the people that survived him, that had loved and known him, walked past the woman to say goodbye. Some stopped on the way back, they kissed her cheeks, or her hand, some patted her on the back. The children hugged her, before running off to their mothers. Couples looked at her and saw a future they hoped to have. She had a long happy life with him, it was all anyone could ask for. She loved him more than anything. That was obvious. Her children looked at their mother, and saw a broken woman, her grandchildren looked at her and saw an unbreakable woman. Everyday after that she came and sat by the grave if only for a few moments. She'd tell him she loved him, and that she missed him. Then one day after the leaves had fallen and the first snow of the year. She looked at the tombstone, with a heartbreaking watery smile. "It's my first birthday without you dear, I'm 94 today. The children came by yesterday. We all missed you. They sang your lines of the chorus. Little Missy asked where you were she's three now. Can you believe that? Our great-grandchild is three. I love you so much. I miss you with all my heart." She placed the white roses on the marble, and smiled again. "They're your favorite. I didn't forget. Winter's here dear. And Christmas is coming. I have to face that without you too. I love you." And she walked away. That was the last time she was there. A few days later, her family was there again. The same black and white sat above the back casket. But her memories were gone. The friends that were there for her husband were there for her and they cried. It was a bitter sweet moment. They had all watched her live without him, they had all watched her try. They had watched her smile and laugh. She was with him now. They knew. She wasn't without him anymore. They were sad she was gone, they were happy that she wasn't heartbroken anymore. One child stepped forward in the snow. She kneeled between the headstones, and looked at the first one. "She loved, we all saw it. She cried herself to sleep, and some times when she woke up, she forgot you weren't there. It was if she was waiting for you to walk through the door. That's how you were to us too. And now that she's gone. It's like we'll be waiting for you both. But I guess you're waiting on us. We loved you, we still do. We won't ever forget you." Like her great-grandmother, she cried. She cried there in the snow until her bestfriend picked her up in his arms and carried her to his car. As he put her down in the seat he kissed her for the first time and whispered in her ear. "I love you." And watching them from where ever they were. Was the couple from that black and white smiling, because they knew what it felt like to hear those words. And because they knew how that story was going to end.

For You Forever.

When you fall away from the world you'd think that someone would look for you. You try and hold on to the smoke of the people who had once loved you. They barely notice you're gone. They miss who you had been, yet they have no room for who you are now. So you are left to look for new faces. For new people to accept you. It's not the same it never can be. But it can be better. Because who wants to say the best years of their lives had been when they were young, instead of every moment? I want mine to be every moment. So I walk on. I find myself. I walk the line I have drawn for myself. I'll look for you, I'll find you despite who we were. I smile at the memories of you. We have grown apart, but we can grow back together. Do you remember how it had once been? Before evrything changed? Life changes we all know that. It changes us, it changes everything all around us. Yet we look for the constants that do not exist. So we smile and walk on. You will always special, and I often I find myself wishing that you still were the most important person in my life. I love you. I always have. Your disappearance is just like all the others. I told you. I was just telling you how it went. I pleaded with you to listen to hold me close. I'm sorry. I let you down. It's my fault too, I faded away from you. I tried to save myself. It was wrong. I miss you. Sweetheart... I miss everything about you. Your smile, you laugh, your temper. All of you. Everything I love about you, everything that drives me crazy. All that makes you, you. I miss that. I love that. I won't be gone for long. You can bet on that. I will always have that one corner of your heart. Just as you have mine. Always. Forever is a long time. And I always meant it. Even when life tried to change things. Forever love. For you, forever. Anything for you. Anything for forever. The smoke is heavy, but it's far away. I can look at it from afar, and not feel the pain of the flames underneath. I can look at it and remember our passions. I can smile now. And this smile is far more wise than the smile you once saw. I love you. Is that wise? To love some one who doesn't exist anymore? But then again I love who you have become.

Come Morning After Coming Home

It was a cold night, his gaze made it colder still. There was no where to go. There was nothing left for me, but him. I'm sorry of all the things that came to be that led me here. My own desparation, my mother's despair, his passion. Life's sweet challenge and adventure that tasted bitter in my mouth, my soul. He kissed me, and the chills fell away. He always did this. He made me feel safe behind the stone walls and the door I could barely open. I was weak, society demanded I be. They demanded that I be subdued, and less than that of my husband. The heat of his skin, sent waves through me. As much as he scared me, as much as I feared him. I craved him, I wanted and needed him. I hated him for it, just as I loved him for it. I never refused him, I never would. His touch was caring and sensual. As he led me down the hall to our door, to the door. It was adorned with ornate carvings. It was the door I couldn't move. He opened it with ease and led me inside. As he undid the laces, I became more than a trophy for him, I became a person once again. I became flesh to touch. I was now more than a doll dressed to impress the world, the ones above and below us. He became a husband, a friend. His smile was warming, his gaze no longer cold from the days he spent away from me. His skin was sacarred and warm as I ran my fingers over it. He pulled me against him, and held me as if I meant the world to him, as if I was the one that made him human. Maybe I was. He was my pillar of stregnth. He was my wall of protection. I was his humanity. There was my hope. I was his. He was my saviour. He kissed me again, and the world fell away. He was a man, and I was just a woman. He was no longer a lord of the far north, hidden from society by great forests and mountains. I was no longer just his lady, I no longer had nothing I had him. The fire in the room roared, and not just the one in the hearth. Come morning, the snow had fallen outside. And we were both happy in each other's arms.

The Storm

Jai rubbed up against my knee, and allowed me to pick him up. He's a good familiar. He expresses the emotions I hold back. Like right now. When I want to be held. I'm on the phone with my best friend, and we were falling apart. We'd been in love for years. We were just beating a dead horse trying to fall back in. We didn't want to give up. But what other choice did we have? So Jai and I are clinging to love and compassion, hoping it doesn't disappear. In a few days this storm will pass over. The beau and I will be inseperable again. Just like always. This rift is just like all the ones before. We will overcome. Just like always. "I love you." I hadn't expected him to say it, but he did. "I know, I love you too baby." I heard the smile in his voice "To the moon and back baby." Jai happily started swatting my hair. Maybe I should cut it, my hair. "And back." All's well. For now. That's good enough for me. The storm is gone. Everything is falling back into place.

No Matter How Close We Are

We are trouble. My friends and I. You'd think that since we live in the middle of no where, down south, that we would have nothing to do. But oh, we find stuff to do. Some of it, I am not proud of. But when you're bored there's little you won't try at least once. And like any group of friends we have our hang out spot. The old drive-in theatre. It closed back in the early nineties. It's been ours ever since. When we were little we would ride our bikes down to the playground right next to it. It still looked like a playground back then. None of kids play there now. Just us and we love to play. We like to lose track of time, and forget the boundries. When kisses melt to be something more. And friendships grow to be more than that. Now we drive there in our cars and blast our music. We fade to where ever we want. We can hang out with people if we don't want to be alone, or we can find someone to be alone with. In the deep summer daisey dukes are the norm along with mid-drift shirts for the girls. If or when guys wore shirts they were plain tight t-shirts. In our group no one was out of shape. We were all hard working, a few of us worked on farms others worked for the local moving company, or at the diner. Or we played a sport. In the end no one was hard to look at. Sure there were a few girls with some extra weight and some guys too but they wore it well. It became them in a way being thin couldn't. This was the kind of group where every one had a southern twang, drawl, accent whatever you want to call it. Most girls had long hair, so did the guys now that I think about it, or it was cut to military standards to appease the older stricter generation. Our parents acted as their parents had even though when they were our age they were worse than we were. Our ancient teachers still tell fantastic stories about the stunts our parents pulled. We had the town wrapped around our little finger. But the question was always for how long. We were careless. We loved life and we were a family. Our small group in our small town was a family. Our ties stronger with eachother than they were with our own blood. Blood it seems is not thicker than water. We played football in the cool days of fall, we had bonfires in the chilly days of winter, in spring we would stay home for reasons still unknown. In the summer we were rarely apart. Our lives were in our own little world and were just ready for it to shatter because nothing that good could last forever. No matter how close we are.

Stuck This Way.

You know. I used to be the last thing you thought about before you fell asleep, and the first thing you thought about in the morning. You used to say hey just because you missed me. What happened? I want to think it still bothers me, that I still care. It still hurts, just thinking about it. But at the same time it's a relief. I miss you and the way we used to talk. I still love you. But I'm tired of my heart breaking. Even though a heart can never really break. I want to care because you were important, you still are. But I just don't. It's like some one flipped the switch to my emotions. I just don't care anymore. Not like I did. I can't think of it being over, not when it had lasted so long. That chapter of my life is closed and I don't know if it can ever be opened again. This is bigger than any fight we have had. This is my hurtful than the words we have said. It changed us. I should say goodbye but I never will love. I'm yours. You're mine. This is how it worked for so long. We never gave up. We never really will. I love you.

Invited Chaos

Music filled the room. Chaos surrounded us. You couldn't hear yourself think. It was bliss. It was an escape, from everything. Personal space couldn't exist here, and it didn't matter. I could feel my worries slip away. The thought of getting caught never crossed my mind. I saw a familiar face, and he took my hand, and led me to a quieter place. We were alone, apart from the crowd of people, yet still included in it. Then he kissed me, he pulled me closer. One hand on my waist the other, tangeled in my hair. I couldn't think. I was so absorbed in the thrill of it, by each touch. He leaned back, and smiled at me. That one smile that was mine, and mine alone. It was one I never really got to see. We were rarely ever alone. He stood up, and dragged me up with him. My hands in his, we started to dance to a song I'd never heard. But obviously knew it, because he started singing the words. Listening to the words he sang I fell more in love with him. He wasn't the romantic type, but he was sweet when he wanted to be. That party was one of those times. Then the party spilled into the room, and surrounded us. No longer alone we laughed and enjoyed the night with friends and strangers. The music blared even louder than before. Eventually it was time to leave. As we walked out the door with our friends the pressures of the real world caught up with us. We all piled into my car. Slowly the car emptied until it was just me and him. He kissed me goodbye when we pulled into my drive way. He opend the door and started to walk across the street to his door. "See ya baby" He said and then he was gone. "See ya honey".

All Too Soon

If only this wasn't real. If daylight would only shine through the black abyss. If only I could breathe. The cold water twisted my all too long hair, it seemed to wrap around my neck pulling tighter as fate pushed by me faster towards whatever was to come. Trying to move, being unable to, thinking, hoping someone will come. But deep down knowing there was no way. My heart pounding, keeping me from thinking, keeping me from living. Gasping for the air that wasn't there. My jeans seemed to drag me down, the water fought harder to keep me under. I knew ahead there were rocks. I couldn't tell if I was shaking from the cold or the fear. Knowing I had seconds left. A brief stream of light reached for me from above. Yet it faded all too soon.

Extraordinary

What was so different about her? What made her stand out? There were people far kinder than her and people easier to look at, not that you didn't want to look. Her humor was everywhere far from unique. Her patience minimal and yet it rarely ran out. She was tolerant and she easily forgave. She whined, and smiled at the worst times. She never lied when it was important. Was it her morals? Was it the way she saw good in people even when they showed the worst? She gave everything for everyone around her to be happy. And she smiled when she wanted to scream. She could never hate a single person. How was it that she found me? She said I found her, I saved her, but she found me, she took time to be there for me when I didn't want the help. I needed it all the same.And I love her. I loved her when she was obnoxious, I loved her when she didn't make sense. How is it that two insignificant people become so significant to one another. In our lives where nothing is more than ordinary. How is it that we find extraordinary?

Live Life

Live Life
For all the people who can't
who won't
And for the ones you love
You never know how long you have
So live
For your best friend

No Signs, No Turns, Just Road

They say you need to find yourself. That you should undergo self-discovery. But I know who I am. I know what it means to be me. What I don't know is what I want to do with that. I don't know what I can do with that. I know who I am. But what do I want? What is there for someone like me? Someone without drive? I am not lost. I'm just driving without a destination and my map only tells me so much. Where can you find answers? Life's too short to be running around without a head, to be living in misery stuck in somewhere you don't want to be. So what do you do? Someone tell me. I don't want to live this way, to live with nothing. But how do you know what you're meant for? When you're surrounded by people who know what they want, you are the odd one out and you don't know what to do about it. You look and look. You hope you'll reach some epiphany, that you'll just turn around and there it'll be. You'll know instantaneously that's what you're meant for. You have to work at it of course, but at least you know where you are going. I have the pieces but not the picture. I can do anything I want, I can work to be anything. I just don't know what that is or when I'm going to find it. I'll just keep looking, and try to find my life. Eventually, I have to. So you feel hopeless in a country filled with hope and promise. A place where any dream can come true. As long as you have a dream. So pray for the dreamless, the wishful without wishes. The ones with potential but no passion. The ones who want to be like eberyone else, to love something beyond anything else. The ones traveling on a road without signs hoping they find when they are supposed to be.

Demons Dragons and Promises

I loved you
There were no conditions
Except that you had to be there
For every moment
For every step
All I asked for was love
You were my best friend
My hero
You fought the demons and the dragons
And won
You slayed the nightmares
And saved me from it all
You were always there
So I thought
It wasn't me
It wasn't my fault
I'm still your girl
Or so you say
You still walked away
You gave it up
There's no picking and choosing
We are all one and the same
A package deal
We were one of a kind
And now we're torn apart
I loved you
You were my rock
My solid foundation
You were my immovable protection
Yet you moved
You promised to be there
You promised a lot of things
I waited for you to catch up
Where were you?
Not where you were supposed to be
My friend became a stranger
And you didn't know me anymore
Everything we knew had changed
Life changed us
We aren't who we used to be
But your promises are still empty
Unkempt
Empty pages
All that's left is to pretend
To pretend
That I trust you
Miss you
Look up to you
And even love you as I did then
I love you
It's just not the same
I love you
But that doesn't change a thing